julia goes to a wedding

We went to a wedding in Austin this weekend and had a lovely time. The weather was 90 million degrees warmer than it is in Wichita which helped my ever-hardening I hate winter so much heart of icy stone thaw temporarily. Julia was a good little girl for 90% of the trip...she did have an episode (in my presence only of course) that left me thinking she was cutting her wisdom teeth at the tender age of four months...but after splitting a few gin and tonics....we both felt much better.

Julia loved the king-sized bed, cable television and the of course...the room service.

She mingled with some men, showed some skin and broke a few hearts

followed suit with this popular wedding trend and got her mustache on...literally.

enjoyed a father-daughter dance and pawed at her former food source(s)

 watched Simon perform a semi-synchronized dance (and was impressed by the photographer's outfit finery)

We stopped and saw Uncle Andrew at school in Dallas...which was clearly lots of fun.

I still don't get why everyone confuses Simon and Andrew

highlights of the trip:

-having Julia whisked out of my arms on the dance floor by a strange lady....when we eventually found the kidnapper and little J (screaming) later..the lady told me to 'bring her back when she calms down!!'

right. 

-riding on the ginormous shuttle all alone to the church with Julia...we were running a leeedle late due to the teething tantrum

-getting flustered in the line up to communion during Mass on Sunday...juggling Julia and her pacifier and for an unfortunate moment...the pacifier made its way into my mouth...luckily I pulled it out just in time so that only 20 people to noticed rather than the entire chapel...embarrassment avoided...I guess

happy to be home in her Christmas pajamas with her best friend Ann

After such an exhausting weekend...Julia is deep into her second nap at 10 am. 

The high for tomorrow is 12 wonderful degrees... Happy Monday to you and yours.

we went on a walk in January.

That is newsworthy in my book. 

If you disagree...I understand.

We also took some totally candid photos..naturally.

On our walk, we encountered a gentleman that first asked if Julia was a boy or girl and then observed that her hat looked sort of Amish. I say...fair enough on both counts.

And then we came home and showed Simon our newest thrillllling pastime...

Julia hearts every bleeping second. 

Merry Ferry Weekend.

¿adonde vas?

lazy lady.

Where have I been? Let us take a little gander at the possibilities:

1. Would you believe I began cleaning out my closet on Monday and am stilllll digging my way through all of my ill-fitting pre-pregnancy clothing? The stack of too-small-for-my-new-birthing-hips-pants is about kneecap high and growing while my 'these fit' stack is about pinky toe high.  bla.

2. Would you believe that due to the balmy temperature of 35 degrees the other day I took myself out on a 16 minute run (or however long listening to this ditty four times in a row will take you) (never mind the fact that a lady half my height and triple my age easily hoofed it past me from a good half mile back) and am still reveling in my accomplishment? maybe not.

3.  10, 2, (sometimes 3), 4 and 6.    These are Julia's new nightly/early morning wake up times. . .and mine obviously. I taped a baby monitor to Simon's cochlea last night but he still didn't seem to be bothered by her desperate pleas to be rescued from the big, scary crib. Woe is me, of course.

4. Maybe I've been following Julia around collecting the hair falling from her rapidly balding head. We have almost collected enough to weave a rug-mini or make a little wig for some unfortunately bald babydoll . . . note the loss progression below:

bottom right: ignorance is bliss

5.  Perhaps I've been enjoying watching Julia go nowhere in her walker. For her purposes, it should be renamed 'feet dangler' or perhaps 'infant wheelchair' ... as she requires that I wheel her around  wherever I go whenever I go there.  This was during one of her 'serious' hours she self-imposes at least three times a day.

she refuses to smile in the walker claiming she is a now a grownup and doesn't have time for sillies such as smiles or fun

6. orrrr perhaps I've been a busy little bee sewing fancy gifts .... perhaps ....

proud, proud, proud..what? You are telling me you wouldn't appreciate personalized dishtowels? lies.

oh, I'm impressed with my abilities too...don't worry. I'm actually training Julia to pat me on the back affirmation and validation style.

Such a smart baby.

sweater surgery and reekend wecap

I don't know what came over me this weekend. Maybe I have a death-by-frustration wish but I decided to take my newfound relationship with my sewing machine to the next level and tackled turning an unsuspecting sweater into a cardigan.

 

or...at least...I tried for about five hours. 

I began with this nice little navy blue sweater (mainly because my only spool of thread is navy)...

fancy

I introduced myself to a someone by the name of "bias tape"...but neglected to make the acquaintance of (necessary...oh so necessary) straight pins...so I tried these uglies instead:

needless to say...they failed miserably.miserably.miserably

After ripping out approximately one thousand seams (actually...probably more) and attempting to sew (make?) 19 buttonholes and failing and cursing at 19 failed buttonholes...I was left with this:

 yep, a thrilled baby and a buttonless, unexciting cardigan...of sorts. Stay tuned though....Saint Simon is trying to figure out the blasted sewing machine buttonhole sewing feature as I type. oh ...aren't those the most adorable socks disguised as shoes? thank you Meg...the bows have provided hours of entertainment for little J!

onward.

 

Julia kept her smarty self busy by doing her homework

...and Simon rewarded her studious ways with a little treat...

don't let her expression fool you..she was loving life

  and to round things off...Simon and I read Water for Elephants this weekend. Can't wait for the pages to come to life on the big screen...or something.

oh...we also watched Ricki Lake's documentary...The Business of Being Born...which made me feel like a huge failure and an unfit mother for not giving birth at home with a midwife sans interventions. If you are not in the mood to see Ricki in a bathtub...naked...birthing a baby...I would highly recommend avoiding this little gemstone. 

hadios.

Simon Says and a flick

I generally try to be somewhat innovative without going overboard or weirdly over the top when it comes to making dinner. I failed miserably yesterday after putting together some sort of chicken/black bean/tomato/onion/green pepper....stew. It didn't look quite right and I thought if I threw it in the blender maybe that would help the bla-factor. . wrrrrrong I was ... the results were nauseating.  The blender gave me a black, white and death-by-grey colored porridge. gross. Simon came home and asked what smelled so good...I told him it was some dinner invention gone wrong and to just enjoy the grilled cheese I had made instead but he insisted on going and taking a peek at the corpse of my dinner. Upon inspection he said, 

"well...if you let it dry we would certainly have enough mortar to build a brick house."

and I completely agreed. 

Also...last night over our gourmet dinner of yogurt and sandwiches I asked Simon (whose hearing sometimes suffers a little bit...) if he had the article, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior"...to which he replied,

"um..no I have not read the article about the Chinese woman that started her period...."

And while I might paint Julia's behavior in a somewhat negative light on here at times...she redeemed herself by not making a peep while this unfortunate little marriage of her headband, eyes and ears occurred briefly while I was in the other room last night...

self-imposed solidarity with Helen Keller

Nor she did say a word here...

...near death by an overly affectionate Raggedy Ann and her scary hair

rescued...

first smile captured on camera in two months

and now for the ..only interesting or exciting to parents and grandparents.. portion of this post...Julia works very hard on her kicks and as you can tell...concentrates like a dutiful four month old...

adios.

enjoying the greener grass

warning: semi-pictureless, wordy, mundane post....no crafts though! lucky duck.

C-L-U-E-L-E-S-S

Its no secret that my year of teaching high school English was pretty--welllll, honestly--I can't think of the perfect word. It was rough. I do not have thick skin and I will never forget the insane amounts of sweat that spewed from my underarms during the 98 rushes of pure horrified adrenaline each day and the nightmares that followed me to bed each and every night. In retrospect, there were a few comical (NOW..not at the time) exchanges that I took part in or observed in the classroom. One of them being this:

(during reading of The Crucible)

student raises hand

G: yes?

student: I was wondering....

G: ok...

student: ok, so say like a woman gets pregnant with twins but like the twins have different dads. What does one twin call the other twin's dad?

G:

student: I'm serious. I want to know.

Or there was the time a girl asked me if she could leave her jacket on during class because she had forgotten to wear a bra that day. Or another time when a student handed in a jaw-dropping horrific pornographic narration that involved all of the male characters in Huck Finn. Or...there was the student that put his name down as "spicy wiener" on all of his assignments. Or the time that a parent told me a student was being "resourceful" by skipping the reading assignment and going straight to the Sparknotes. Or the time a student raised his hand in front of 29 other students to tell me that I had spinach in my teeth--that was a barrel of laughs. Or when a student handed in an entire Wikipedia article twice as a research paper and claimed to the vice principal that I hadn't made the assignment guidelines clear. Or when a student stuck a maxi pad to another unsuspecting and innocent student's back during class.  Or the time a student threw a banana peel at me and called me racist. .... you get the general photograph here.

[This is not to say that there were not some positives to the year. The teachers I worked with bent over backwards to help me and even gave up numerous sick days for me so that I could recover adequately from the thyroid surgery. There were also some very nice students that sometimes made me feel like a little bit less of an idiot ... fortunately.]

So...on days like today when it feels as if I am wearing the yoke of an ox on my shoulders due to the position in which I was forced to sleep with a fussy Julia burrowing into my armpit all night Simon asks,

"So...what do you have on your docket for the day?"

and after some thought I reply, "Well, I do need to go to the store to get an onion..."

and he waits for the rest of my plans and .... there aren't any....  maybe its bad but I don't really feel guilty at all.

is it July yet?

***FYI...Ann and Anna...this post might conjure up feelings of jealousy in the crafting department...I'll try not to hold it against you. 

This is not a crafting blog...believe you me but I've contracted a very serious and unfortunate illness: a nasty fever of the cabin variety. .. .and it is merely the 18th of January. May the good Lord help me.

So....to my previously hidden talent of crafting I retreat. Lucky you, lucky Julia and lucky world. You may have noticed in recent photos that Julia is losing her hair faster than Ricky Gervais can insult all of Hollywood and I decided to be a kind mother (which I'm never not of course) and make a hair covering for the little dollface:

oh...you want a closer look?

fine:

happiest baby in the whooooooooooole world, clearly

oh, an even closer look you say?

understandable:

Great Grandma Patton: the flower color is NOT an indicator of a new Wildcat alliance...fear not!

I just used the scraps from Julia's wide-legged sweat pants and tooted my very green and environmentally friendly horn in the process. Don't worry. 

 

and for a late afternoon snack some Simone Says action:
 

1. I've been trying to phase some friends out of my life for a few months now . . . and by friends I mean archenemies by their alliterative name of: pesky postpartum pregnancy pounds. They are super clingy, never get the hint when I tell them I want to be alone and seem to be frustratingly content in their current occupation. Simon is VERY helpful when he says things like this...

"I dare you to try on Julia's pants."

ha. ha. ha.

2. Regarding my apparent unladylike ways:

"We will be needing to hire a governess for our daughters. You can be in charge of our sons and the barnyard animals."

moo.

anddd I'm off to pray for a miraculous spike in temperature tomorrow and the next day and preferably the next.

mumbo jumbo

I thought it would be fitting to not post anything in observance of the saddest day of the year today...

Isn't Julia's omnipresent expression fitting?

...but due to numerous (and by numerous I mean two--my mom and my dad) requests from readers for a post...here we are. . .

oh...you are curious about the contraption around my neck in the above photo? Funny you should wonder. After my successful date with the sewing machine last week I decided to keep the fire burning and make a teething necklace. Never heard of such a thing? Neither had I...but I since I am an award-winning mother I decided that Julia needed one (later I read that the necklace is for parents to wear....unfortunately.... as they are clearly not even mildly aesthetically pleasing in any way shape or form)

If for some reallllllllllly weird reason you were wanting to duplicate my weirdo craft masterpiece...here are the ingredients...

ill-fitting t-shirt, ribbon, beads (don't ask what I was thinking when I purchased that cherry red fashion champ...I asked myself the saaaame question multiple times)

the assembly directions can be found here (but I'm guessing you are a smart cookie and can figure it out on your own)

This has clearly been a real winner in Julia's book...

during one of our forced play sessions (and yes my hair was styled like a triceratops on purpose)

 what else what else...

Ah... perfectly timed with Simon's return to a time consuming rotation at school today, Julia has found a pair of naughty pants that fit quite nicely which has resulted in this consequence...on more than one occasion this afternoon:

 

 Baby's first time-out

yes, mom...her hair is definitely thinning.

Unfortunately, she didn't seem to mind her punishment one teeny tiny bit.  Frustration station in motherland today.

Happy Monday....I guess.

trial and error and error and error and error

I finally pulled out my new sewing machine yesterday and decided to attempt this seemingly simple project.... baby sweat pants out of a t-shirt (in Julia's size of course)

 

 so...knowing that my success would probably require a few attempts...I pulled out several old t-shirts to sacrifice ...

waiting to be slaughtered (with the exception of the baby imposter of course)

Praise the good Lord for seam rippers, Excedrin and a smiley baby to aid in the salvaging of my sanity...

poor Julia let me pour her thighs and diapered bottom into the first finished product:

um...here we have VERY low-rise leggings that have procured a muffin top on little J AB-do you recognize the shirt?

made for a talllllllllll baby with a Barbie body. . .maybe if she didnt have to wear a diaper they would sort of fit. maybe.

Next try:

wellll...these were definitely roomier and shorter (please note the recycled rope belt from the previous leggings) and who doesn't want pants that say "ball bask"?

Jncos. Maybe they will fit her when she goes to kindergarten. Maybe. 

I know what you are thinking......

 an Etsy shop is in my future...

...and I couldn't agree more!!

Simon Says

a favorite move of ours: he squats down and I run circles around him with my hand firmly placed on his head. always makes perfect sense at the time

after 3 minutes of forehead crinkling..I still have no idea what was going on here

 
I really need to start toting around a writing utensil and paper to be sure and record all of Simon's funny jewels because he really drops quite a few on a daily basis. Here are a few (though not his finest work) that I caught in my memory web these past few days...

1. Last night I subjected him to a semi-long trip to Target. We had to hit up allllmost every section of the store to get everything on my list. Toward the end of the trip Simon started to ask politely if it was time to leave. . . .jjjjust as I spotted the scented candles on clearance. I decided to take a few sniffs and thrust a particularly smelly candle under his nostrils and demanded that he do the same...after taking the mandated smell he muttered...
"...and with that I just lost a little bit of my manhood...."

2. As we were driving home from St. Louis the other night I decided to take the wheel and let Simon have a shift watching Julia in the backseat. Through my very geriatric driving and slightly inappropriate blaring music I heard him (nicely) tell Julia...
"you are being a little poop that starts with s-h..."

3. After seeing some seriously impressive sewing projects online (including homemade baby wipes...insanity) I started to pout like a four year old and talk about how much of a failure I am in the crafting and DIY departments Simon thought for a moment and offered...
"well....you are REALLY good at surfing the internet"


Have a superb morning, afternoon and evening.

excitement abounds

With literally nothing to share with you but still on a crusade to keep the posting alive I turn to the numbered dregs of the well of our vida loca...read on with fair warning that you may very well fall asleep mid-read...

1. Simon and I stupidly thought we could live large last night and go see The-The-The K-K-Kings S-Sp-Speech with Julia in tow. She, of course, had other plans for the outing. To start off the evening,  during particularly quiet parts of the movie....she loudly and pungently filled her diaper. She then moved onto a loud formula chugging contest against herself and then decided that rapid back arching, grunting and high pitched squealing were all appropriate behaviors for the darkened theater.  I had the pleasure of taking her out to the lobby for the second half of the movie and visiting with her about the difference between naughty and nice children, inside vs. outside voices and consequences for her poor decisions. Luckily, I ran into one of the three students that didn't loathe all things Grace from last year so ... that was nice.

2. My mom sent me a text last night asking if she and my dad's celebrity nickname should be: Garbet or Betgar (their names are Gary and Bettina)...I said maybe Garina or Bettary? I told you....eventful post.

3. Little shameless familial bragging about one of my little hermanos, Paul...

click on me to read

4.  Well, Julia insisted on being a little lap dog and helping me with this post but my lap is suddenly saturated in a whole lot of wet and so I need to go rectify either: a. her diaper failure or b. my sudden urinary incontinence...

Enjoy your Wednesday.

photo glut

After the week in St. Louis sans camera...I'm sure you faithful readers are in dire need of some photo fixes. Fear not! Photo glutton and mother hen here to save the day. . .

Here we have little J looking four feet long after her first spray tan

and here she is again looking one foot short (and pensive)

this is where she drew the line claiming this was an unflattering angle

Destination: Saturday night in Crazytown.... Population: Simon and Julia

zero resemblance but equally thrilled with life and their fancy headgear (jdel...do you recanize?)

favorite parent.

Merry Monday to you. Off we gallivant to Florida for a hot minute (or 36 little hours)

brb

only child syndrome

Because Julia is an only child she gets a little lonely from time to time...and because we are mean parents we have decided that she will have to get creative in the toy department. She has happily  complied and recently named this pillow her best friend forever and ever and demanded a photo shoot with her new bosom buddy.... 

"okay mom...first take a photo of me alone with my stylish pixie cut"

"doesn't my friend make me look skinny?"

angry/funny/showing a leeeedle leg

"who needs a laptop when I have my pillow corners?"

"never not a fantastic time"

seriously...Julia was insistent on this shoot. Its not as if she has weirdo first time parents that photograph her almost every move. Not at alllll.