SAHM

ah.

I hate that acronym. I don't know why but I always have (along with DH).

I've realized (recently and not so recently) that whenever I get asked, "where do you work?" or, "what do you do?", or "do you just stay at home?" or,  "do you work?" I get a little bit pink-cheeked and flustered and answer with a sheepish smile, "oh, um I um stay at home..." or, "well, yes I stay at home with Julia" (and feel the need to somewhat defensively add with a stomach pat), "and another baby coming in the fall..." or, "no, no...I don't work..." with an awkward trail off.

I don't know why this is. I know the questioning parties aren't being even remotely malicious or judgmental (I'll be honest...I don't love when the 'just' is tacked onto the, "just stay at home?" query) but I'm maybe a little too proud and need to just letitgo.

I feel like I should probably stop here and preface the meat of the post with about 89 disclaimers in bold, neon, flashy font:

1. I know I am so lucky and blessed to be able to stay at home with Julia and the brewing babe. I can't stress this enough. I really admire moms that successfully juggle a career and home life on much less sleep than I enjoy. I respect them an immense amount because I know I would fail miserably at both if I were to attempt.

2. I do not have some buried burning desire for a career outside our home. I say this only to make clear that I'm not bitter (thou doth protest too much, Grace...?) nor am I pressing my nose against our front windows watching longingly at the neighboring working moms that roll out each morning prettily put together with coffee in one hand and kiddos in in the other and knowing how much work they've already accomplished before that ungodly hour. Really...I'm not.

3. I'm writing this smack dab in the middle of one of Simon's really time consuming rotation. There isn't a full day and night combo that he won't be at work for at least a portion of the time and well....it is wearing on me maybe a little bit more than a little bit.
4. This isn't a solicitation for advice on how to meet other moms ... but I appreciate the thought and sentiment. That sounds snarky ... it isn't meant to be.

ok there are probably more but those are the bigs.

Simon and I both grew up with moms that stayed at home. We are both fall first in line in our families; I have six younger siblings and Simon has four younger brothers and sisters. When we were dating we talked about how much we appreciated having a stay at home mom. We didn't know anything different but knew that, if possible, we wanted to same for our potential, future family.

Helllllooo Julia. We were so fortunate that when she was born Simon had a free month and a pretty light schedule during his last year of med school. I enjoyed easing into the day-to-day life of caring for Julia. I have no one to really compare her to but I think she is/was a generally good baby. We dealt with teething, night time feedings and car seat screaming together. All was well and good.

Enter these last two months and the bear that is residency and life in a new city. Enter isolation in it's most serious form. Fine....not most serious...but serious in my book. I nannied right after I graduated from college and knew how lonely spending one's day with children could be but figured it would be different if and when I had my own children. I will say candidly that these last two months have been some of the most trying of my life. Ha...again with the flare for the melodramatic, Grace. I should say that maybe those months following my four years as a home schooler and returning to the conventional 7th grade classroom were maybe a little bit more difficult. Mistakenly reading the words, "orgasm" instead of "organism" and "testicle" instead of "tentacle" (which I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed to admit that I had no clue what either of the latters meant) during my turn to read out loud in Life Science class were maybe some of the rougher times...actually that was definitely a tougher period to navigate.

As mentioned before, I think Julia is a pretty good baby but she does have her frequent, angry and inconsolable moments.

and when those meltdowns are my only companion in the middle of a long and lonely day punctuating an already long and lonely week, it can be really frustrating and disheartening. Um...but Grace...you have one (ONE!!!!) child. You have nothing to complain about as looming two year old tantrums, sibling fights and an even messier house await you. Well...then I'll write another post to complain about those woes when the time comes. Small to medium joke. 

I have equal parts myself, myself and myself to blame. I am a pretty extreme introvert and much prefer my silly little regimented schedules built around Julia's naps and moods to getting in the car for any sort of spontaneous outing and risking Julia turning into a fuss monster in her car seat for the majority of the drive.

(robot voice) Where am I going where am I going will I ever get there? I hope so.

Being a stay at home (for me) most certainly isn't one easy breezy, carefree day leading into the next nor is it anywhere near as stressful as a marathon day at the office, juggling a zillion projects, emails and deadlines. It is more of a test of faith, fortitude and patience during some pretty mundane stretches of time.  It is keeping my proverbial chin up when I feel nauseated from an empty stomach and Julia wants to be held and I don't want to listen to her cry so I give in and just hold her and make use of my one free arm and my one t-rex arm holding Julia to make myself a snack only to have her bat it out of my hand and onto the floor.  It is singing, "Row Your Boat" three octaves higher than my alto voice is comfortable with to distract a wiggly Julia during every diaper change, face wash and outfit change. It is not lounging around every ding dong day in work out pants and a t-shirt while munching on Cheerios and letting Julia watch as much Baby Einstein as her little screen time loving heart desires. It is definitely resisting the easy temptation to plow through hours of internet (in allllll its entertaining and addicting glory) and mugs of chocolate coffee and not being present for Julia. It is ensuring that Julia is always at the top of my hierarchy of priorities. It is choosing necessary laundry, cleaning and meal making over unnecessary blog reading, blog reading and blog reading. It is making good use of the time I can enjoy before the new baby arrives (not implying I'm not going to enjoy the new babe! I am! I just know how time consuming and sleep depriving those first several weeks can and will be). It is cheerfully reading Corduroy four times in a row because Julia is obsessed and simultaneously hyperventilates and lights up like a little bulb every time she sees the bright red cover. 

 It is being a supportive (which I know I can always always always improve on) spouse to Simon during the breaks he gets at home from his grueling schedule at work. . . trying not to dump a whiny Julia on him the moment he walks in the door . . . thanking him genuinely and frequently for selflessly (and miraculously sans complaints!) providing for our family . . . 

 not letting my laughable woes add to his serious stresses and 

 obviously this list is getting far too Hallmarky and serious and could go on for probably four days and four nights of fun.

When all is said (and I'm pretty sure I've said it all without really saying anything...at all) and done, I know Julia has a deep appreciation for me

really.

For our chats and our walks and our good times and rough times and our many lessons learned together.

I know that I'm a novice at my vocation and that it isn't at all what I had expected but that there are pleasant surprises (really? you didn't happen to mention those....) and ugly realities but that 

hmm..

I wouldn't have it any other way?

too cliche

I know I'm living the life I was meant to live?

again with the clishy clishy ayay

I'm a selfish, ungrateful house whiff that has nothing better to do than type out her sorrows for all of the internets to see?

too obvious

 I probably just need to learn to count my blessings more thoroughly, more frequently and more deliberately before I set out to type about my so-called vida tough-a. 

Amen?

Allelulia?

A-something.

back to sewing and more sewing tomorrow.