1. I was having a nice happy hour/game of musical chairs complete with snacks on the deck...
... with my sometimes happy charges waiting for Simon to come home last night when he called to tell me he was coming home. We wild. We started talking about something and allllllll of a sudd I heard hacking from the bathroom. Yes, yes, yes the bathroom with the door that I had apparently and stupidly left ajar. Shock of all shocks. From what I could Sherlock, it looked like Sebastian had inhaled some of my hair powder (yes I'm embarrassed that I stoop to the level of using hair powder that probably doesn't even work but I'm convinced it gives my locks a little bit of voluminous life) and it made him cough. A lot. Cough cough cough cough cough AND cough for over an hour. (to be continued in the next take)
2. (continued from the previous take) Simon assured me that he was fine and that he was "pretty sure" his lungs would suffer no permanent damage from the ingestion and of course ... kindly reminded me that this all could have been avoided had I just closed the damn door. I won't repeat my reply because I don't want to have to rate this post as highly inappropriate. Anyway ... I sound like one of those crazy hypochondriac parents (protesting too much? never) but when Sebastian started sweating and refusing food (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and just laying limply in my lap I will admit that I worried just a little bit.
Filled the bathroom with steam from the shower to help stop the cough. I am medicine woman. It didn't even kind of help, of course.
Julia was not worried at all and insisted that I read her the thickest book on her shelf (Corduroy and Curious George and the Puppies -- gifted little girl that she is) while trying to get Sebastian 'up' off my lap to make way for Joo-we-uh. (to be continued in the next take)
3. (continued from the previous take) Long story still long ... we let Goliath sleep in our glorified twin bed with us where he moaned and groaned (that somehow lulled Simon right to sleep) and I am certain our little patient fractured my clavicle with his pumpkin head thrashing. It was all so fun but I had to draw the line somewhere and I was as frustrated as a human can possibly be with a sick 9-month-old (Simon claimed he was milking it) without being totally out of line so I all but dropped him in his cage with one of Julia's coveted faux fur blankies and his bottle. I think he sensed that my fun buzz had worn off and politely settled in for a night of fitful sleeping for 30 minute increments from 1-7. It was still worlds better than a night of Simon being on call so I'm not complaining just reporting in painful detail what the 2nd of August entailed for me and my family. Also and related: I do not miss the newborn stage.
4. Julia fell head first out of the big part of the cart at Target this morning. I don't know how it happened and I don't want to think about it ever again after I type this out but it was as terrible as it sounds ... complete with the looooong pause and then the blood curdling scream. Since I am a kindheart I was equal parts torn between making sure she wasn't bleeding and trying to get her to please just cry a little tiny bit quieter maybe because people were staring and my face was this exact color. It's over. She lived. Life marches onward and certainly upward.
5. I was trying to figure out where in tarnation the replacement stroller tire was on its journey from the moon to our abode yesterday and I smartly left the kids to play nicely in the basement. I heard a thud and a Sebastian cry so I went down and coaxed him back into the land of no-hysterics and then I turned to see a certain little actress sitting on the stairs and very innocently asking me, "happened?" ...
Not sure but at least it doesn't appear as though you tried to eat any of the potential poison.
Just a little accidental run-in with some fabric paint apparently. I don't know where she got it from (not I) but she is a real weirdo about hand washing and was pretty upset about the fact that washing and drying her hands the normal way didn't make the consistency-of-cement paint go away at all.
I just watched and let her stew for a few before I chiseled her clean. I'm just certain she learned her lesson to never open and eat a bottle of anything even if it does look like 'lotion'.
6. Simon has this weekend off. Holler. We wanted to do something 'fun' tonight so we are going to get the party started with a family trip to upgrade Sebastian out of his infant car seat that he is about 8 sizes too large for. Then ... shots!!!
7. Nothing else.
Go see Jen for more more more.
2. (continued from the previous take) Simon assured me that he was fine and that he was "pretty sure" his lungs would suffer no permanent damage from the ingestion and of course ... kindly reminded me that this all could have been avoided had I just closed the damn door. I won't repeat my reply because I don't want to have to rate this post as highly inappropriate. Anyway ... I sound like one of those crazy hypochondriac parents (protesting too much? never) but when Sebastian started sweating and refusing food (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and just laying limply in my lap I will admit that I worried just a little bit.
Julia was not worried at all and insisted that I read her the thickest book on her shelf (Corduroy and Curious George and the Puppies -- gifted little girl that she is) while trying to get Sebastian 'up' off my lap to make way for Joo-we-uh. (to be continued in the next take)
3. (continued from the previous take) Long story still long ... we let Goliath sleep in our glorified twin bed with us where he moaned and groaned (that somehow lulled Simon right to sleep) and I am certain our little patient fractured my clavicle with his pumpkin head thrashing. It was all so fun but I had to draw the line somewhere and I was as frustrated as a human can possibly be with a sick 9-month-old (Simon claimed he was milking it) without being totally out of line so I all but dropped him in his cage with one of Julia's coveted faux fur blankies and his bottle. I think he sensed that my fun buzz had worn off and politely settled in for a night of fitful sleeping for 30 minute increments from 1-7. It was still worlds better than a night of Simon being on call so I'm not complaining just reporting in painful detail what the 2nd of August entailed for me and my family. Also and related: I do not miss the newborn stage.
4. Julia fell head first out of the big part of the cart at Target this morning. I don't know how it happened and I don't want to think about it ever again after I type this out but it was as terrible as it sounds ... complete with the looooong pause and then the blood curdling scream. Since I am a kindheart I was equal parts torn between making sure she wasn't bleeding and trying to get her to please just cry a little tiny bit quieter maybe because people were staring and my face was this exact color. It's over. She lived. Life marches onward and certainly upward.
5. I was trying to figure out where in tarnation the replacement stroller tire was on its journey from the moon to our abode yesterday and I smartly left the kids to play nicely in the basement. I heard a thud and a Sebastian cry so I went down and coaxed him back into the land of no-hysterics and then I turned to see a certain little actress sitting on the stairs and very innocently asking me, "happened?" ...
Just a little accidental run-in with some fabric paint apparently. I don't know where she got it from (not I) but she is a real weirdo about hand washing and was pretty upset about the fact that washing and drying her hands the normal way didn't make the consistency-of-cement paint go away at all.
6. Simon has this weekend off. Holler. We wanted to do something 'fun' tonight so we are going to get the party started with a family trip to upgrade Sebastian out of his infant car seat that he is about 8 sizes too large for. Then ... shots!!!
7. Nothing else.
Go see Jen for more more more.
oh, I'm so happy to read your posts everyday. Even the horrible things sounds so funny and I was rofl when I saw the pictures of Julia with fabric paint all over her :-)
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not the only one with a kid who likes to eat lotion. And I hope your shots are of the alcoholic variety and not vaccines... I'm not against vaccines but they are much less fun than alcohol.
ReplyDeleteQuick takes are a little tragic this week, but the photos are GOLD. I about laughed myself out of my chair with that last one.
ReplyDeleteOh my...you've had a rough few days! I hope this weekend is better :)
ReplyDeleteI can NOT get over the pic of Julia staring at her hands in disbelief..."How did this get on me? And why won't it come off?!?"
ReplyDeletethis is so funny, i'm so glad both kids were okay..but man i was laughing through this. i am a total hypochondriac, so i would have been panicking about the coughing. julia is too funny with the 'happened?' and that fabric paint face is the best.
ReplyDeleteI just knoooow that I Ellen is going to be a Julia. Into everything :) What can we do? You and I just have naturally curious and intelligent children. pat pat.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a non-stop roller coaster down in St. Louis! Ya'll are just too wild.
ReplyDeleteAlso, SO SO SO glad that Simon has the weekend off! Ben does too so we're trekking it up to Leavenworth to see his sister one last time before she heads off to grad school in AZ.
Yay for pager free weekends!
Oh my my. Sounds like you guys were already having "fun" all week long. You sure know how to live it up!
ReplyDeleteQuestion: What do you mean by "medicine women"? Do you use essential oils? And as always...made me laugh! :)
ReplyDeletehahha your kids are darling!
ReplyDeleteWhat an adventurous few days! And meanwhile your munchkins manage to stay so so cute!
ReplyDeleteMy 2 yr old daughter got into white out while playing at my in-laws house & like fabric paint there is almost no way to remove it. She thought it was makeup and put it on her nose & mouth. Also, with the bathroom door thing - one day soon Julia will learn how to turn knobs (my daughter just did 2 weeks ago) and I hate those babyproof plastic knobs so now she can get into the bathroom & every room of the house any time she wants. :(
ReplyDeleteOh man, I am so sorry about little Sebastian! That sounds positively miserable- I hope all is well now.
ReplyDeleteLove those Julia pictures, so so funny.
Great takes this week. Love it. Well, you know what I mean. I have Irish twins and a total of 4 kids between 2.5 and 7, so I get ya. Tooootally feel for you on the cart thing. One of my girls (can't remember which one, no kidding) flipped right out the back of a Walgreens cart. We were at the checkout and she got anxious and stood up. Walgreens carts are lower on the back and, and she just flipped right the eff out. She was so shocked (and somehow didn't crack her head) that she barely whimpered. To this day, it is never not embarrassing to go out with all my children. Today they set off some keypad alarm by the door of Lowes while simply waiting for our in-store pickup. The employee saw it before I did and RAN over to put in the code with 5 seconds left. We weren't even freaking shopping.
ReplyDeleteI really just want to hang out with Julia for a day. She always knows where it's at. She's adorable as always.
ReplyDeleteYou can take your children to Chick-Fil-A for a disgustingly unhealthy meal all in "support" of the church's stance against gay marriage, but you cannot close a bathroom door? I am not the same person who commented on a prior post about how it seems as though you and your dud of a husband dread raising children, but you are blatantly bragging about endangering your children on a daily basis. This is not funny, this is sad.
ReplyDeleteWow you're a coward. If you're going to be so hateful at least have the decency to show your face. And, uh, news flash, you don't HAVE to read what you see here. That's some serious self-hatred to voluntarily participate in something you disagree with so much. Move on. No one will miss you.
DeleteAnon: Grace isn't bragging about anything. She is merely documenting the real life stresses that happen when you are a stay-at-home-mother. It's scary and it's stressful and it's really really really hard....but Grace chooses to write about it with sarcasm, and she has clearly struck a chord with other stay at home moms who TOTALLY get that she isn't serious when she writes about Julia and S, and that just because she opts against publishing yet another poorly-written, sappy crap-filled blog about her children, does NOT mean that she loves them any less. If you knew her at all you would realize that when Julia fell out of her cart, Grace was probably actually really really scared, and when Sebastian got into the powder, it was a big effing deal. You obviously don't know her, but have decided to stick around long enough to inaccurately sum up her parenting skills. Well bravo, I bet you feel really smart right now. As always, if you don't like a blog, DON'T follow it. And that comment about Simon being a dud? You couldn't be further from the truth about him...this is the problem with the world -- too many people don't understand tone in writing.....and they form dumb opinions based on things they don't have a clue about. Then they don the anon cloak and go around posting mean crap on strangers walls. Get over yourself. And please stop following her. It's creepy.
DeleteAnon, I don't know if you're trolling, but I really don't get your connection between the Chik fil A protest (which is as much about free speech as gay marriage)and mischievous kids. Clearly Camp Patton loves their children, and to imply otherwise is insulting
DeleteTo the first Anon, I would like to encourage you to post under your name rather than under the cloak of anonymity. Doing so would make your comments seem less like hate mail, and more like a civilized invitation for discussion. And I'm not exaggerating by saying hate mail---you are calling out Simon for being a dud of a husband? I assume you are coming to that conclusion based off primarily what you've read in Simon Says posts. If so, then I really feel bad for you, because you might not be understanding the nuances of irony and sarcasm. Simon has a dry sense of humor. He's not a dud, either as a husband or a father. If you could actually spend time with Simon and Grace, as I have luckily been able to countless times, you wouldn't question their love for their kids, for each other, or their parenting style.
DeleteThis is a forum for moms supporting one another throughout the ups and downs of raising children. If you can't be supportive, please consider taking Camp Patton off your reading list.
Anon: I wish you wouldn't make such awful assumptions and say such hurtful things. I wish instead you would recognize what little perspective you have.
DeleteFor instance, based on your comment I'd assume that you're cruel and that your children, if you have any, live in hygienic little cages. But this probably isn't the case. You see, I don't know you AT ALL.
You're probably nice. And if you have children, they probably fall down sometimes. And if they have fallen down, then you know about the real work of being a parent when - after you've kissed their scraped knees or held them in a steamy bathroom or tediously cleaned the fabric paint from under their fingernails - you send them off on even bigger adventures.
Whatever your situation may be, please leave Grace alone and let the rest of us enjoy the Camp just as Grace paints it, chock full of benign messes.
Stop reading. Just stop right now. If you can't see the humor in what Grace is posting, take this off your reader right now. Clearly, you have no sense of humor, and no ability to distinguish sarcasm and irony in the written word. And I doubt you stay at home with young children. Like most of Grace's readers, we see ourselves (past and present) in the things she writes about. We're all in the trenches together, and if you don't like it, you are free to move on.
DeleteOh my gosh. #4 gives me flashbacks of when that happened with my two-year-old son (also at Target -- COINCIDENCE?????) I saw out of the corner of my eye that another woman had witnessed it, and I looked over at her, thinking that I might encounter a grandmotherly, "Haven't we all been there?" kind of reassuring smile. Instead she glared at me in horror as if identifying a serial killer she'd seen profiled on the news. Not a good day.
ReplyDeleteLoved your post, as always.
This whole thing i sjust too funny when you write it....though I think if it was me I'd be weeping on the floor long before I got to the end!
ReplyDeleteThey get into so much! Crazy!
ReplyDeleteSuch funny photos! And so glad Emme isn't the only one weirdly interested in lotion! Also such a cute photo of S snuggling with you! Sick snuggles are the best! :)
ReplyDeleteaudra ate oil based paint straight from the bucket when she was a toddler. she thought it was icecream, and stuck her palm down in it, and back into her mouth. mom of course called poison control, but probably did something wive's tale-esque like feed her bread to "soak it up". she turned out just fine, so i'm sure J will too????
ReplyDeleteHi Grace! I love your blog and just wanted to let you know I was cyber-stalking it. Had I known you were this funny in high school, I might have real-stalked you. ;)
ReplyDeleteOK, confession time. I am not yet a parent (though I wish to be, and soon, so you can pray for that to happen, thank you!) but my nephew fell head first out of a cart under my supervision. At Walmart. Which must be worse than falling out of a cart in a Target, cuz let's face it...Walmart is dirtier. ;) Always a fan but not always a commenter. Love ya, Grace!
ReplyDeletePssst...did you see that Jennifer commented on your post!?!? That happy fact would outweigh stupid anonymous commenters times a billion. Yay!
ReplyDelete