Theo's Birth Novella Part I

I probably should've known something was up when I found myself scrubbing the bathroom floor with my go-to "Grace means business" bathroom cleaner (baby wipes) at 4:30 in the morning on Sunday (December 30). I was 37 weeks and 1 day along and I don't want to gross anyone out so I won't mention the fact that I had lost my (prettiest word marriage alert) mucus plug two days prior. This had been a sure sign that labor was impending with the other two kids but I had read enough "am I in labor am I in labor am I in labor??" "when will I go into labor when will I go into labor when will I go into labor??" forums with the other two kids to know that plugs can easily reform themselves and losing it could mean absolutely nothing. I won't get too graphic but my OB had checked me (code for "checked my cervix" which is just too much too share, probably) on Wednesday and I was barely 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced (I think?). It was directly after that appointment that I drove straight to get Chinese takeout which I think maybe gave me the stomach plague directly from the fires of hell. You remember .... I wrote a notgross post about it? Good.

Anyway, back to the floor scrubbing. I had been sort of nesting (buying enough groceries to feed a family of 90, taking lots of bump pictures for preservation and posterity, putting up a pack and play in the guest room which would serve as a super fancy and Pinteresty nursery for Sebastian) for the majority of the pregnancy because while I'm no seasoned veteran of a mother my memory is sharp enough to know that newborns are lifebombs and that they leave no time to be deep cleaning any bathrooms or buying any food or anything at all for many, many moons after their arrival. I finished cleaning, probably drank some creamer and coffee, ignored several strong Braxton Hicks because I always have strong Braxton Hicks from about 20 weeks onward, and scheduled this post because my priorities are my priorities.

Normal Sunday activities commenced .... Mass and cafeteria donuts with a splash of spontaneity ... a stop at the mall to walk and see if maybe the contractions would pick up? Not really. We came home and put the kids down for their naps ...

but not before I got a picture of Sebastian and his forehead dent (still there) on his 14 month birthday

whilst riding his sibling

I went upstairs to lay down and right as my head hit the pillow ... BOOM ... gush of too much fluid to be one of those unfortunate "whoooops, that sneeze/laugh/cough/vomit was too violent and I may have urinated myself justalittlebit" occurrences. If you've been pregnant and you don't know what I'm talking about .. check your pants because they're on fire and you're a fatty liar. Anyway, could it be??? A broken water of my very own? Simon was at the foot of the bed and he confirmed my suspicion ... totally broken. It was mostly clear with a tinge of pink and no meconium which is all very good.

We didn't freak but the result of my strep B test wasn't back yet and Simon didn't want to dilly dally in case I did need a dose of antibiotics before I delivered sooooo I started texting sitters while packing my bag. We lucked out and found one (hi Mary!) that could come for an indefinite period of time. This was probably my biggest worry regarding the arrival of baby #3 so I was really grateful and relieved to find someone that the kids (ahem .... crazy J, Sebastian loves any and everyone with a beating heart) loved. We left around 3 while the kids were still sleeping but not before taking some pictures .... of course!!

Big Mama in her slippers and spandex.

My contractions were picking up and I continued to leak fluid but I wasn't in any real pain and I most definitely wasn't in any sort of active labor. We debated going back to the mall to do more walking but then remembered that we were paying a sitter and decided to go straight to the hospital.  Before we walked into the hospital we were talking and wondering if the baby would be a lady or a gentleman and I got Simon to sort of admit that my face WAS puffier than it was with Sebastian's pregnancy and that maybe I was having a girl (he was sure it was a boy). I got all gowned up and checked in and checked by a nice nurse (who had five kids of her own and was awesome) that declared me to be an exciting 2 cm. I think my uterus got performance anxiety because the contractions tapered off and all but disappeared. A different nurse came and put my IV in which wasn't awful. She likened my veins to "thick ropes" (vomit, shudder, look away) and had nooooo trouble getting it in and cautioned that I not look at my arm for a few due to all the blood. NO PROBLEM.

There was a lot of confusion as to what doctor to call for orders (which doctor is on call? oh ... there's a doctor from your doctor's practice here for an induction ... maybe she'll see you?? Or not ....) so after an eternity of popsicle eating, texting the sitter because I was a really annoying nervous nell about the kids ... I finallllllllly got started on Pitocin around 6.

The nicest nurses made and put this on our door with their votes ... by the end there were mostly boy votes but I was still absolutely convinced we were having a girl.

Simon left around 7 to go help put the kids down for bed (I was super emotional and concerned about their well being and insisted). Simon asked that I hold off on the epidural till he got back so that he didn't look like a deadbeat.

Wellllllll just as soon as the Pitocin got kicked up to a 4 (what this means ... I know not) I started sweating and heavy breathing through the contractions and went ahead and waved my white flag and put myself on the list for the juice. I was at a very impressive 4 cm. I texted Simon that I had done so and he said to try and wait.

No.

My new (young and very sweet) nurse said the anesthesiologist was ready and waiting so I explained that Simon wanted to be there so she held her off for a few because she is the nicest human ever (I always get the nicest nicest nicest labor and delivery nurses). Simon zoomed on in and they made him sit during the procedure. My feet were sopping wet with sweat at this point because the contractions were painful and close together and feet sweating is my coping mechanism. You ladies that go all natty with your births .... you are amazing and heroic and out of your damn minds. Never will I ever. No shame in my cowardly and comfortable game. No offense to Ricki or Ina.

My epidural placements were virtually painless (well, Julia's wasn't amazing) with the other kids and this one was no different. Painless with just a little pressure, started working almost immediately and came complete with a button to push if I felt like I needed more of the magic.

Simon and I ended the great name debate, he got some food, I ate more popsicles, and we watched The Office.

Finally around 10 I was declared to "have no cervix left!!" Yee haw. The same doctor (not my doctor) that had delivered Sebastian was on call again (and I really like her) so she got there around 10:45 and the pushing began.

B-b-b-back up for a warm minute real quick .... everyone kept saying that I was just going to "sneeze that baby out" and that there was "NO WAY" I would deliver the baby on December 31st and the nurse was even worried about a possible precipitous delivery (which I was NOT looking forward to because the residents on call that cover precips were male and I know them and ........ no.) I didn't even do any practice pushing because well ... third babies just slide right out, right?


laugh.
cackle.
laugh laugh laugh.


RIGHT.

{part II here}