You know you're a stay at home mom when ...

... or a work at homer or a work at worker. Or if you've ever spent an entire day with small children. This is for you. And future Grace who might need a swift shot of nostalgia.

Sebastian and his theatrics: never ending.

It's summer and the livin's easy, right? Mmmmm ... sure but no. The kids wake up with the sun (4:58 am) despite your best efforts to seal their windows with 89 layers of 30 gallon black garbage bags and duct tape. You feel guilty if you're not outside enjoying the sun and shine but the second you get outside someone's wet and dirty swim diaper needs to be changed and you're positive the garden-happy neighbor is going to call the cops if he hears one more of the kids' scream fights over who gets control of the hose aka control of the fun. The kids don't understand why "bedtime" happens during daylight because according to the sun 8pm = 4:30pm and they fight you. They fight you hard.


So. You know you're a stay at home mom (etc!) WHEN ...

1. You get your 2-year-old dressed before noon and she asks "um, where we going?!"

2. You're positive your husband didn't hear you when you said, "the baby finally cut that tooth" ...

... because his response was a distracted, "oh, really?" and you were expecting a celebratory tap dance, champagne, and some sort of peanut butter + chocolate confection. At the very least.

3. You accidentally throw your daily dose of Excedrin into your smoothie. Shrug. Two birds, one gulp.

4. You've got three sets of sweats that you rotate through: 1. appropriate for publicish outings, 2. appropriate to run a diaper out to the big trash can, and 3. appropriate to wear around non-verbal children because they can't tell a soul.

5. It's 1pm on one day and all you've accomplished for the day is: one bath for one child and productivity is YOURS.
 
6. It's 1pm on another day and all you've accomplished for the day is: emptied the bathroom trashcan and lined it with a fresh plastic grocery sack and suddenly the bathroom looks so sparkly and the day feels so right.

7. It's 1pm on yet another day and all you've accomplished for the day is: clipped the fingernails of one toddler and you should probably retire because this is easy.

8. It's 9am on YET another day and you've been awake for an eternity, placated multiple tantrums, fed the children breakfast, checked your email 12 times, texted your husband about every single tantrum, thrown a load of laundry in, emptied 1/100th of the dishwasher and yet when your husband calls and asks what you're up to you say, "mmmmm nothing."

10. It's 10am and you've checked your email nine more times. Bringing the grand total to 35 times for the day.

11. This happens for 19 consecutive seconds ...

... and you steady yourself because you're feeling faint and check their foreheads for fevers. You suspect Scarlet Fever. Or maybe the Bubonic Plague.

11. You've Googled, "do vacation bible schools accept 6-month-olds?"

12. It's 11am and you've eaten nothing all day.

13. It's 11:03am on the same day and you've eaten a handful of semi-sweets, the kids breakfast leftovers, 11 pita chips dipped in hummus, a cup of yogurt, another handful of semi-sweets, a spoonful of peanut butter, and three of the kids gummy vitamins.

14. This? This little bit of meticulously folded laundry ...

took two days of motivational speaking to complete.

15. You solemnly swear to ship edible poison to the first person that tells your kids that this isn't the biggest kiddie pool in the world ...

because it is. And they are lucky little guppies to have such a monstrosity in their repertoire-o-fun.

16. You throw on some Netflix, shower, shave both legs, apply mascara, dress in clothes that would be uncomfortable to sleep in, and LOOK OUT Seacrest, Rivers, and the Academy because this housewife's feeling ritzy and ready to dazzle on the red carpet - wardrobe questions and all (Target or Old Navy, always).


Tell me you can relate. Or call me crazy.

Or both.