The Funnest Mom

So yesterday I tried to seize the mom thing. Yes, I set myself up for a real peach of a day. I made chocolate chip pancakes which was 1/2 selfish + 1/2 selfless because if there's anything I love it's a marriage of chocolate + carbohydrate goodness. I decided to finally follow through on a promise made tens of times to Julia that "we'd go to the fountains tomorrow". Why? I don't know. I'm a pretty committed hermit and even though I hate the park near our house with the splash pad (because the surrounding 90 trillion acres of open land beckon for Sebastian to, "come! come and run away from your mother and lead a life of very scary LOST") but it didn't seem that daunting for some reason. Surely Sebastian would be so taken with the fountains that he wouldn't be lulled by the temptress that is the enchanted forest. Right.

Please know that when people with small children say something along the simple lines of, "and then I got the kids dressed" ..... what they really mean is, "and then I spent 57 minutes issuing threats, hunting down items of clothing that haven't fallen victim to urine dribbles/sprays/soaks, and taking gambles on whether I think the diapers can handle another few hours of wear" that is what they really mean. Or that's the way it is around here. It's a lot of not simple is what it is.

So that fiesta took a long time. I couldn't find Sebastian's swimsuit that fits and mostly stays put around his waist so he had to wear a pair two sizes too big ... held up with a safety pin. I think I told him that if he moved when I was securing the pin that he would risk a swift and sure death. If his wide eyes were any indication - he totally got it and didn't move a muscle. And so ... the wide leg swim pants ... they stayed.

I got everyone sprayed down with "sunscream" and loaded up the chariot only to wonder if people made their kids wear shoes at the fountains? Probably. Ugh. I put Sebastian's shoes on and then could only find one of Julia's sandals that had JUST been in my hand.

Grace: where did the sandal go?
Bash: stare
Julia: hmmm where DID dat sando go? hmm
Bash: stare
Grace: I just had the sandal ... seriously ... did one of you take it?
Julia: no! I not take dat sando!!! baby Feo did!!
Bash: stare
Theo: grunting and mad that we stopped moving 3 steps into the sojourn
Grace: fine, I'll go find another pair
Julia: okay, dat sounds good
Bash: STARE

And then two blocks down the street I looked down to see this in Sebastian's lap ...

so, if anyone has any toddlers with comprehension issues you can go ahead and send them my way because we've got that locked up nice and tight around these parts.

We got to the park and it was so crowded my innermost introvert went on high alert: DANGER. Every mom or nanny had a friend with them and my wagonload got lots of up-downs. Laaaats of up-downs. Almost all the moms were wearing running skirts with some serious ruffles on the back. I don't mind a nice running skirt but the ruffles are something. I'm guilty of falling for a trend or ten but RuffleButts for adults will not be one of dem.

The older kids were happy playing for four whole minutes until Sebastian grew bored with that scene and started looking for an escape route.

Of course he did. He did the not cute smile and sprint away just as I was about to catch him and had to run further away from Theo who was boiling in his own sweat. I think we lasted 34 minutes of periodically drenching Theo's hat to keep his head cool and risking a meltdown by popping his feet in the fountains until an alphamom with popeye biceps reprimanded Julia for holding a toy her daughter gave her, "my daughter is only ONE so you need to give that back to her" ... scaring the living daylights out of my little unsocialized butterfly. What was her point? That Julia was two and therefore a felon? I don't know.

To prison with her ...
 

the thief was "cold" despite the 1000% humidity.

I set the kids up with their sippies of ice water (responsible parenting is my strong suit) and walked them home in the blistering heat to the tune of no water for the driver because I think the kids gulp then swish then let a little bit back into the sippy and repeat and I have very few standards but murky pancake backwash hydration I cannot do.

Oh my gosh, this story put me into a deep sleep too. It was either this or talking about mom uniforms and obviously I picked wrong even though I think the uniform prattle might send some eyes rolling toward the unamused heavens above. 

But today? Today we set our sights on mopping the floor by 10am. Ha.

Freshly mopped ... two months ago.

By 11 all I'd done was change a bomb, bathe the boys, shoddily buzz the sides of Sebastian's hair and I was still in my sleeping clothes hiding in the downstairs bathroom with Theo ...

... listening to the 99th toddler fight of the hour because we had had enough of fight + bite cessation class teaching for the day.

Until we went on an emergency trip for illegal contraband (slow flow bottle nipples for Theo - he's such a divo) from the hospital - perk (singular) of the job and all dat.

I'll leave with you with a real nail biting cliffhanger about a drive-thru with a line of 59,000 cars and a desperate mom hankering for a fountain drink .... did she wait it out while risking toddler tantrums c/o sloooooowwww driving car syndrome or did she put her own selfish needs aside and just drive back home to the nuthouse? You'll never know.








slurp.