I had a couple of lows today. Not emotional lows because you know I'm always very happy to pull up a chair and share about those but I'll spare you that pleasure for now. No, these lows were just day in the lifers that made me laugh to myself while the kids stared and my former younger self look at my current self with some serious incredulity. So take a seat and make yourself at home because I know that curiosity is lethal to felines and I don't want any humans falling victim to that fate after reading a teaser opener of a blog post.
The first one occurred on my run with the kids this morning.
It was hot and before I'd even listened to my first of 45 plays of Roar the back of my hands were little sweat fountains blah blah, humidity, blah. I was just minding my own business running on the side of the street because the sidewalks around here are just too bumpy to be comfortable for slumbering Theodores and the neighborhood isn't busy so .. what the hell? Street it is. I happened upon three (3) parked cars right in a row and in my way so I made sure there were no approaching cars coming from behind and veered into the middle of the road to slowly ascend what seemed to be the identical twin of Kilimanjaro. And when I say slowly ascend please know that this is a generous descrip. Let me lay it out for you right here ...
And I do mean "running" in obnoxious quotation marks because really it's just a hunch over the stroller with furious feet paddles leading to nowhere.
Back to the ascension. It was very slow. So slow that by the time I had passed all three (3) sedans I turned in time to see that a funeral procession's (minus the funeral) worth of cars had been patiently/impatiently waiting behind me. I've tried to block it out but it isn't an impossibility that I didn't stop for a very short breather somewhere in there. And the moral of thistory is that I've already volunteered Sebastian to get out and help me push for tomorrow's speedoflightathon. And maybe I should bump my Katy beats a little lower.
The next came when I found myself smiling and really, really happy to be getting out of the house for 40 minutes. I loaded the kids up to go to Costco for the second time in two days. We bought our food yesterday but today we needed gasoline. Costco is not close to our house but I was desperate for Theo to nap and for the big kids to be quiet and for the radio to play me something - anything other than the scent of urine soaked toddler undies which brings me to potty training!!
My brother calls this a mommy blog and I have to admit it is SO a mommy blog as much as I'd love to throw myself under the Lifestyle category ... mommy it is. So I really don't want to dig my grave even deeper by going into woeful tales of progress and regression and more regression but ... I will report that Julia has figured out how to empty her bladder in 2 or 3 shifts so that she can get 2 or 3 Starbursts over the course of just five minutes. But she also, "forgot that I was potty training - oops! haha!!" today and her little memory lapse cost me a huge pungent mess that ended in a ceremonial cutting of underwear off her person and throwing them in several bags and out to the big trash.
And Sebastian has been showing serious interest in all of the training so I almost entertained the thought of just death wishing it and doing them both at the same time but then today ... he rifled through the newly organized bathroom cabinet, unwrapped a napkin of the sanitary variety, walked me into the bathroom, and laid himself down for a change with his new fangled diaper. So .... he can wait. He can wait forever for all I care.
hospital grade, postpartum size. In case you were wondering. So really ... he wasn't too far off base.
The first one occurred on my run with the kids this morning.
It was hot and before I'd even listened to my first of 45 plays of Roar the back of my hands were little sweat fountains blah blah, humidity, blah. I was just minding my own business running on the side of the street because the sidewalks around here are just too bumpy to be comfortable for slumbering Theodores and the neighborhood isn't busy so .. what the hell? Street it is. I happened upon three (3) parked cars right in a row and in my way so I made sure there were no approaching cars coming from behind and veered into the middle of the road to slowly ascend what seemed to be the identical twin of Kilimanjaro. And when I say slowly ascend please know that this is a generous descrip. Let me lay it out for you right here ...
And I do mean "running" in obnoxious quotation marks because really it's just a hunch over the stroller with furious feet paddles leading to nowhere.
Back to the ascension. It was very slow. So slow that by the time I had passed all three (3) sedans I turned in time to see that a funeral procession's (minus the funeral) worth of cars had been patiently/impatiently waiting behind me. I've tried to block it out but it isn't an impossibility that I didn't stop for a very short breather somewhere in there. And the moral of thistory is that I've already volunteered Sebastian to get out and help me push for tomorrow's speedoflightathon. And maybe I should bump my Katy beats a little lower.
The next came when I found myself smiling and really, really happy to be getting out of the house for 40 minutes. I loaded the kids up to go to Costco for the second time in two days. We bought our food yesterday but today we needed gasoline. Costco is not close to our house but I was desperate for Theo to nap and for the big kids to be quiet and for the radio to play me something - anything other than the scent of urine soaked toddler undies which brings me to potty training!!
My brother calls this a mommy blog and I have to admit it is SO a mommy blog as much as I'd love to throw myself under the Lifestyle category ... mommy it is. So I really don't want to dig my grave even deeper by going into woeful tales of progress and regression and more regression but ... I will report that Julia has figured out how to empty her bladder in 2 or 3 shifts so that she can get 2 or 3 Starbursts over the course of just five minutes. But she also, "forgot that I was potty training - oops! haha!!" today and her little memory lapse cost me a huge pungent mess that ended in a ceremonial cutting of underwear off her person and throwing them in several bags and out to the big trash.
And Sebastian has been showing serious interest in all of the training so I almost entertained the thought of just death wishing it and doing them both at the same time but then today ... he rifled through the newly organized bathroom cabinet, unwrapped a napkin of the sanitary variety, walked me into the bathroom, and laid himself down for a change with his new fangled diaper. So .... he can wait. He can wait forever for all I care.
hospital grade, postpartum size. In case you were wondering. So really ... he wasn't too far off base.
Haha! I had to laugh about the hospital grade pad! Probably because I am still having nightmares about those things. You are superwoman strong to push all 3 of those little ones.
ReplyDeleteThis was too funny, I avoid anything that looks like a hill when taking my 3 out. Even a speed bump gets me to turn around!! And potty training, the cruelest joke to ever happen in parenting. Especially with little boys, my son cannot control that thing to save his life. I think I have cleaned pee off the ceiling. I am debating on buying one of those home urinals just to get him to aim!! They...whoever they are, say it is easier to train girls. So I guess third time might be the charm for me seeing as how my girl is 3 months old...but here's to lookin at you kid :)
ReplyDeleteDay officially made. Theodore snoozing, Julia's pigtails, and Bash's love affair with a postpartum sanitary napkin is all it takes for me. You saved the day at approximately 11:09 pm. Nicely done Grace, and very much appreciated!
ReplyDeleteOh my cuteness! This is great. From the Catholic-esque headline, to the pic, to your death wog, to J the hustler, to BASH! Need I remind you again how funny you are? freaking hilarious. Lots of smiles. and wishes that tomorrow is a better day :) i'm just trying to make it through my days without explosive diapers getting on everything within a 20 to 30 foot radius of my son.
ReplyDeletemaybe he does need to try one of those big-mama diapers the hospital sent home with me...
DeleteOMFG I laughed my ass off at the part about cutting off her underwear I remember those days and not too fondly either
ReplyDeleteLove the graph! Also, I remember potty training E and went she realized that she got an M&Ms or a squirt of whipped cream for every successful potty experience (and double if it was of the #2 variety) she was on the potty every 2.5 seconds for at least a week.
ReplyDeleteI've been going through the potty training regression for a few weeks now. Chick is stubborn. I'd give her a car if she would stick with it at this point.
ReplyDeleteI've often contemplated using a diaper when I had to use the bathroom and one was no where nearby. So it comes full circle a bit with the pads eh? ;)
At .01 mph on the graph, you should put "Katrina biking up a slight incline" because it's true. You are wonderwoman for running while pushing them!
ReplyDeleteAnd who could be that cute clutching a postpartum pad? Your child.
I've had to reconcile myself to the fact that a) I have a kid, b) I have a blog, so I have a mommy blog.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay.
Your indian name should be "she who runs with kids".
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my third child our associate pastor and his wife were expecting. I had known this couple from childhood so we were close friends - hang out together friends, you know? There was a lovely little diaper bag kit that our hospital gave out that had those "almost a diaper" pads, the little mesh panties, the amazing little ice packs, etc. It was, essentially, a mommy diaper bag. Well... we're all ooohing and aaaaahing over my newborn and pastor Jay gets all curious about the baby products (remember, baby on the way). Then he dips his hand into the sack of sanitary stuff and pulls out a big ole pad.... and you can see his head turn... trying to figure it out... thinking ... thinking... and then his face colors and he puts it back quickly and his wife notices what he's done and he gets dragged out by his ear like a little boy. We laughed so hard I think I ripped a stitch.
THAT is one smart kid. LOL! I love it.
ReplyDeleteNow you know why I don't run. Pushing Miss C in her wheelchair up anything is great cause for concern on my part. Sweat and I have this ugly relationship that started during puberty. I move, I sweat. UGH! So I will just continue to do so in private and not the middle of the street. Good luck tomorrow. I can hear you ROAR all the way on the East coast! You go girl.
Also... to avoid the staggered greedy pee for reward, you might try giving one treat at the start of every hour if the subject has kept dry, regardless how many trips to the potty it took to do it.
ReplyDeleteYou make me laugh with every post! Thank you for that!!
ReplyDeletesnicker, giggle, gawf,!!!! When my daughter was J's age, I also had the fun of potty training. I lived in apartment and there was another little girl the same age as my daughter who lived nextdoor who was already potty trained. She showed my daughter her pretty flowered big girl panties, and that was that. My daughter wanted the pretty underwear also but I told her she had to use the toilet. the rest was history ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe graph. I cannot stop laughing.
ReplyDeleteYou capture so well the humour, frustration, love and sheer exhaustion that encompasses each day of raising small children - thank-you for sharing pieces of your life with us!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, that is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI lieu of any potty training advice, since there is none that could ever actually help, I will just bring some liquor next week.
My youngest is potty training right now too...and we're spending lots and lots of time in the bathroom. I'm sure my water bill is going to be sky high due to all the flushing and hand washing. Potty training is a path to sainthood, I am sure of this. And cleaning up multiple accidents on a daily basis...no fun.
ReplyDeleteThat graph is amazing. That was totally my wog last night (and I wasn't even pushing a stroller).
ReplyDeletePotty training is the devil.
Not my story, but my friend Maria's: upon observing her mother removing a feminine article from its box, Maria's youngest daughter said, "You using pull-ups, too? Good girl, Mommy!"
ReplyDeletethis is so awesome on so many levels. the graph though? i about fell out of my chair.
ReplyDeletethe postpartum sanitary pads are no joke. maybe i should toss one of those in camden's bed time diaper???
Thanks for the chart! That made my morning :). I'm probably behind you with your triple stroller with me having NO stroller to push, but that'd mean that I have to actually walk, so...
ReplyDeleteI have also decided (after the potty-training attempt #1) that potty training is truly the worst part of parenting ever. Even worse than disciplining a child who is beyond reason. Even worse than puke...well, almost. Even worse than well, anything I've experienced in my mere 6 1/2 years so far. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. The end.
Kudos to you for letting him wait haha. Our pediatrician mentioned last week that he recommends starting boys at 18 months and I just stared at him. Suuuure-when can I drop him off at your potty training boot camp?!
ReplyDeleteYou can put me in the 0.0 section of the graph bc I don't run ever HA
Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh, oh I am dying of real actual laughing fits over here.
ReplyDeleteThat Basher is going to be the end of you. Because for every hilarious PITA thing he does, he's got that killer smile. I don't know how you're going to do it. I just sit and shake my head at all the cuteness.
ReplyDeleteSo glad that I'm not the only one who simply cuts poopy articles of clothing off the child and discards them. Thank goodness for thrifted "disposable" kid clothes.
ReplyDeleteI'm not glad that potty training isn't going well... but I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling! G knows what she needs to do, she just doesn't want to and it's so frustrating! It's not like I can force her.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know I've said this a million times on your posts so you probs don't believe me when I say I really don't laugh out loud that often... but Bash did it again!!
I beg you - wait on Sebastian until you're good and done with Julia. If you think she's hard, wait until you potty train a boy. You will kiss her for being easy. And suggestion? Instead of giving her something every time she goes, give her a reward at lunch time and after dinner if she doesn't have any accidents...!
ReplyDeletei probably shouldn't be laughing as hard as i am but... bahahaha! wise choice in waiting to include sebastian in the potty training fold. i used to work at a preschool and at one point we potty trained about 13 toddlers all at the same. it didn't kill me, although at the time i was sure it would, but i'm pretty convinced that the high amounts of urine ammonia burned some of my brain cells.
ReplyDeleteLet them wait. They can just sit there in their air conditioned cars and wait. Kind of like I'm waiting to go into labor. And waiting, and waiting. Except they're more comfortable waiting because they don't have to pee.
ReplyDeleteWhich brings me to potty training. I love and hate hearing "I have to go potty". Mostly, I'm tired of our daughter treating our bathroom like a frat house. So many Clorox wipes to keep up.
Laughing. So hard. Out loud. I will repeat my monthly plea: don't stop writing ever (or at least until I no longer require comic relief from parenting smallish people).
ReplyDeleteSigh... I remember the most recent post-partum period when Cecilia pranced into the bathroom and told me, "Mom! You're weawin' a diaper!!!"
ReplyDeleteBecause, let's be honest, that's pretty much what they are...
LMAO at you cutting underwear off Julia! We've successfully potty-trained 4 of our kiddos. It wasn't until the BOY, though (uh, he's #4...after 3 girls) that I literally bought "big boy" underwear by the droves because sometimes...it is just NOT going to get cleaned up and it's going in the trash. I am thanking the Good Lord that Dominic is all potty-trained now...but really getting nervous and antsy top train Vincent (#5) but so not wanting to either.
ReplyDeleteHaha! The pad!! that's too funny! I'd almost (almost) forgotten about those! I actually was told to get Depends, which I did and they were SUCH a disappointment. No details but not good. not good.
ReplyDeleteI bet it's a workout pushing the stroller so I wouldn't worry with the hills! ;)
Argh! You had the SAHM version of my piece of crap day! Was it a full, blue, harvest, crazy moon all over the world or were we the sole Lucky Lucy's to partake?
ReplyDeleteFeel no shame at making those cars wait. As my grandma always says, "if they were in such a hurry, they should've left sooner!"
ReplyDeleteMy kid is right there with Bash re: feminine hygine products. "You wearin' a diaper today too, Momma?"
"So take a seat and make yourself at home because I know that curiosity is lethal to felines and I don't want any humans falling victim to that fate after reading a teaser opener of a blog post."
ReplyDeleteTeach me.
Your hill story makes me so glad I live in the prairies, where the only hills we have are man-made, and so rare that they have names! But you can take comfort in the fact that, since I've only had to run uphill about 10 times in my life, I'd definitely be slower than you.
ReplyDeleteHmm... looking again, that doesn't seem quite as encouraging as I meant it to be...
DeleteBash.... that is hilarious! Def worthy of a senior picture in high school :)
ReplyDeleteAnd can I tell you how much I appreciated this post after the morning I had trying to correct a birth certificate issue at the courthouse, breaking down into tears in line, having a stranger offer me a hug (I refused... that's awkward), then getting to my car and finding a parking ticket. I chanced another ticket as I sat in the back of my car breastfeeding and reading your post. It made me smile. Solidarity sister!
The fact that you both own and use a triple jogging stroller is still an amazing feat, no matter how slow you're going.
ReplyDeleteSome days, like yesterday, when my 17-month-old's only nap was five minutes in the car and my eight-months-pregnant back is killing me and I'm feeling really grumpy about how my husband's job is so much easier than mine {ha! ha! ha!} I just think "if Grace can do it, so can I!" and that buys me about five more minutes of patience...
Ugh! Andrew is three has been potty trained for a year, but he soaked (not wet, soaked) his pants at a kiddie party an hour from home. Of course I was alone with the kids and couldn't leave the party yet, so I tossed the underwear. Then rinsed the pants with some water and dried them with napkins from the bathroom. Horrible. Lucky it was a dark fun zone place. I really need to travel with a change of clothes.
ReplyDeleteThis all happened last weekend. I don't know, hopefully it gets better, but I thought the accidents would be coming to an end by now. Good luck!
DeleteYour posts are always so entertaining! Life is definitely an adventure. :)
ReplyDelete