(Coincidentally Ana wrote a post along similar lines today ... hers is much MUCH better so just skip this and pop over there - now.)
Staying at home with little kids means that I have a lot of conversations like this ...
Mom: (hands full of kettle ball baby and car keys and purse and baby bottle and mug of cold coffee) Hey, would you please grab the sippy cup off the dining room floor?
Three year old: the DIVING room? where is THAT?
Mom: diNing room.
Three year old: I don't know where the diving room is. Is there a pool in the diving room? Where is it?
And this conversation continues through el mom just walking into the stupid dining room, bending down, breaking her back, and picking up the damn sippy while the three year old continues to ask thoughtful questions about our invisible indoor pool.
So I do a lot of thinking - like a lot of humans do - I know it's not just moms that think. A lot of thinking through the zillion scenarios that could go very wrong and not thinking of the zillion scenarios that will go wrong instead. There's a lot of schedule making and flexing and rearranging and changing because when it comes to babies and toddlers ... planning is essential but rarely pans out perfectly because someone will inevitabely cut their nap short and someone else will break a glass and cut their foot and require tweezer surgery and proper pampering on the couch and someone else will take off his diaper before his nap and paint a pretty urine mural on the bedroom wall .... enough. You get it. I know you do.
So my subconscious spews one liners like this on the daily ...
In the car ...
(quiet children shackled to their car seats, radio bumping) Mom thinks: I love driving. It's the most relaxing part of my day. I bet my blood pressure dips down a trillion points when I'm behind the wheel.
(baby crying, radio bumping and not trumping said crescendoing cries) Mom thinks: I hate driving. I hate driving. I hate driving. I hate driving.
In a grocery store parking lot and I come up against this Everest in the Sahara ...
(no carts for those with malfunctioning pupils)
Mom thinks: how am I supposed to herd two cat-toddler across a dangerous war zone of moving traffic while holding a Goliath of a baby? That's it, I'm blogging about this.
Toddler announces in said store, "I neeeeed to go to the rastroom"
Mom thinks: we have 35 seconds to find the rastroom.
Toddler announces in said store, "I reallly need to go to the rastroom"
Mom thinks: we are 35 seconds too late.
All of her children are dressed before noon ...
Mom thinks: nothing because she's too drained from the 2.3 hours of manual labor she just put in to get her little heathens clothed. Snaps cellular photos instead. Probably throws it on the gram.
A "TRUCKKKK!!!!!!!" is spotted on a run/walk so naturally ...
the mom thinks: memory that'll last a lifetime.
(and hopefully the homeowner that came out and asked him to get down has since forgiven the trespassers as they would've forgiven him)
ANYWAY.
Some facts: I just tried every single trick in my little Theodore manual and he still was just not having it with life so I put him to bed at 5:55 pm which I will surely regret at 5:55 am tomorrow. There is a little piece of glass stuck in my foot (see above) that I just can't get out and will need Simon to come home and help me so that it stops bleeding (a slow trickle but still ... I'm not ruling out a transfusion at this point) but one of Simon's fellow residents texted that Simon had to do an emergency c-section and will be home late (which is fine - I'm not hating the player - just throwing the game a little shade). And I just wish Chipotle had a drive-thru. Wouldn't that solve so many problems?
I typed this in between asking Theo what he wanted (no answer, just cries), peeling 56 clementines for Sebastian, and putting Julia down for her nap (again!). I accidentally left the light on in her lair so I just peeked my head in and she'd made herself a little blanket tent of darkness so now I'm feeling kind of failury and a lot guilty. So if this made little to negative sense ... you know why.
(and Simon, if you're reading this ... we're having chocolate chips for dinner. Unless of course you happen to find yourself swinging by a Chipotle on your way home ... even though it's pouring rain .. that would be weird, wouldn't it?)
Staying at home with little kids means that I have a lot of conversations like this ...
Mom: (hands full of kettle ball baby and car keys and purse and baby bottle and mug of cold coffee) Hey, would you please grab the sippy cup off the dining room floor?
Three year old: the DIVING room? where is THAT?
Mom: diNing room.
Three year old: I don't know where the diving room is. Is there a pool in the diving room? Where is it?
And this conversation continues through el mom just walking into the stupid dining room, bending down, breaking her back, and picking up the damn sippy while the three year old continues to ask thoughtful questions about our invisible indoor pool.
So I do a lot of thinking - like a lot of humans do - I know it's not just moms that think. A lot of thinking through the zillion scenarios that could go very wrong and not thinking of the zillion scenarios that will go wrong instead. There's a lot of schedule making and flexing and rearranging and changing because when it comes to babies and toddlers ... planning is essential but rarely pans out perfectly because someone will inevitabely cut their nap short and someone else will break a glass and cut their foot and require tweezer surgery and proper pampering on the couch and someone else will take off his diaper before his nap and paint a pretty urine mural on the bedroom wall .... enough. You get it. I know you do.
So my subconscious spews one liners like this on the daily ...
In the car ...
(quiet children shackled to their car seats, radio bumping) Mom thinks: I love driving. It's the most relaxing part of my day. I bet my blood pressure dips down a trillion points when I'm behind the wheel.
(baby crying, radio bumping and not trumping said crescendoing cries) Mom thinks: I hate driving. I hate driving. I hate driving. I hate driving.
In a grocery store parking lot and I come up against this Everest in the Sahara ...
Mom thinks: how am I supposed to herd two cat-toddler across a dangerous war zone of moving traffic while holding a Goliath of a baby? That's it, I'm blogging about this.
Toddler announces in said store, "I neeeeed to go to the rastroom"
Mom thinks: we have 35 seconds to find the rastroom.
Toddler announces in said store, "I reallly need to go to the rastroom"
Mom thinks: we are 35 seconds too late.
All of her children are dressed before noon ...
Mom thinks: nothing because she's too drained from the 2.3 hours of manual labor she just put in to get her little heathens clothed. Snaps cellular photos instead. Probably throws it on the gram.
A "TRUCKKKK!!!!!!!" is spotted on a run/walk so naturally ...
the mom thinks: memory that'll last a lifetime.
(and hopefully the homeowner that came out and asked him to get down has since forgiven the trespassers as they would've forgiven him)
ANYWAY.
Some facts: I just tried every single trick in my little Theodore manual and he still was just not having it with life so I put him to bed at 5:55 pm which I will surely regret at 5:55 am tomorrow. There is a little piece of glass stuck in my foot (see above) that I just can't get out and will need Simon to come home and help me so that it stops bleeding (a slow trickle but still ... I'm not ruling out a transfusion at this point) but one of Simon's fellow residents texted that Simon had to do an emergency c-section and will be home late (which is fine - I'm not hating the player - just throwing the game a little shade). And I just wish Chipotle had a drive-thru. Wouldn't that solve so many problems?
I typed this in between asking Theo what he wanted (no answer, just cries), peeling 56 clementines for Sebastian, and putting Julia down for her nap (again!). I accidentally left the light on in her lair so I just peeked my head in and she'd made herself a little blanket tent of darkness so now I'm feeling kind of failury and a lot guilty. So if this made little to negative sense ... you know why.
(and Simon, if you're reading this ... we're having chocolate chips for dinner. Unless of course you happen to find yourself swinging by a Chipotle on your way home ... even though it's pouring rain .. that would be weird, wouldn't it?)
Oh Grace I so don't know what I would do without your blog! I would share some of my "mom-think" but it's definitely not as funny and/or cool as yours.
ReplyDeletePS. You're subtle plea to Simon at the end was probably my favorite thing you've ever written.
PPS. Ever since I read in one of your posts a few blogs ago that they sell wine at your Target I am inSANELY jealous. As if I needed another reason to love the store... I forget that NJ is the ONLY state where you can't buy alcohol at non-liquor stores (yes, you read that right.. none at grocery stores, gas stations, convenience stores, TARGET!!!!)... sigh
don't move to Kansas...same setup here!
DeleteSame mess in KY. HATE it.
Deleteor PA!
DeleteI saw a lifehack on Facebook today whereupon you make a paste of baking soda and water, apply it to the splinter...and then wait patiently/peel potatoes/paint your nails/read the comics. Allegedly the splinter will just POP OUT.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'd don't know if this will work with glass shards, but if it doesn't
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete....it's still a blog post. Just don't mention this comment, please.
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes to a chipotle drive through. My life would be changed forever.
ReplyDeleteSomeone really asked him to get down?! That's like not shaking your little one's hand that is so obvious outstretched in the sign of peace. Ahh, it's been that kind of day here too. Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow!
ReplyDeletemy vote is for Chipotle delivery!
ReplyDeleteI think my mind has blocked those days as a life-saving measure for my sanity. I loved Sebastian on the truck. Mostly because my boys were also similarly obsessed. Trucks will eventually give way to dinosaurs. Just wait. My older boys' favorite memory was when my dad (an engineer) took them to a job site and got one of his guys to let them drive the bulldozer and the backhoe. They are teenagers now and they STILL talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI think that about Chipotle all the time. Also Jimmy Johns.
ReplyDeleteWe have a drive-thru Jimmy John's near us. It's slightly dangerous.
DeleteWhatever, this is worlds better. I laughed out loud at the "diving room". I neeeeeed Chipotle now!!
ReplyDeleteChipotle NEEDS a drive-thru.
ReplyDeleteAND delivery. Seriously.
Yes. yes and yes. I was just thinking today that everything should be drive-thru. I would like shoe shopping to be drive-thru. This would be especially wonderful for when kids *occasionally* fall asleep in the car.
ReplyDelete...and that was the meanest thing to scare Sebastian off the tractor. :(
So funny as always!!! Mom thoughts are the best, mostly bipolar by nature but great nonetheless!!
ReplyDeleteI do hope you got the Chipotle meal of your dreams. Love that photo of Sebastian on the earth mover. Love it!! Definitely framable. I spend way too much time in my head...it's scary up there. Very scary. Hope Theo makes it past 5:55 a.m. tomorrow. Maybe 6:55 a.m?? We can hope...
ReplyDeleteIt's like you're reading my mind :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, they told him to get down?? People, please.
Why aren't three year olds logical when we most need them to be? And why all the questions?! I've been going cuh-razy the past couple of days, and rapid-fire questioning hasn't helped. Anyway, hope your foot is okay (you sound much calmer than I would be!) and Simon wasn't toooooo late. Oh, and Bash on the backhoe is the cutest.
ReplyDeleteIt is my opinion that every place I need to go should have a drive thru. I hate that getting my people out of and then back into the car takes longer than the actual errand itself should.
ReplyDeleteYou get 12 points of sainthood for each toddler, 24 for the baby, plus 36 extra for being pregnant and managing to even stay awake during the day. You're racking 'em up, lady!
ReplyDeleteHey--just happened upon your blog for the first time (no idea how I ended up here?) but had to say hello and that I have really enjoyed the visit. I live in Hawaii where we came for my husband's residency many years ago, and we also had three kids during residency (and one more since.) I know your life only too well, and will be tracking with you now. Much aloha-
ReplyDeletelol… oh, the joys of motherhood! I have two and I can't possibly imagine three! Taking them all to the grocery store is a major feat - congrats to you!!
ReplyDeleteChipotle drive thru. Freaking genius.
ReplyDeleteHa! I love that picture of Sebastian with his little praise hands in the air, sitting on that exciting piece of machinery.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I know it's not the same... I know... but Chipotle does have online ordering. You place your whole order - all customized and such - and even get to pick the time when you are going to come get it. Then you just walk straight to the register, skip the line, and get your food. Again, not the same as a drive-thru and would still be difficult with three kids in tow but if you're desperate for Chipotle (I always am), I'm sure it's slightly better than waiting in line with your kids. :)
And, you're doing a great job, Mom. (...not MY mom, but, you know.)
You nailed it! Those kinds of thoughts are exactly what every mom has! That is HILARIOUSLY funny about the invisible indoor pool....and I can picture exactly how helpful those 3 yr olds are. Good days....and it DOES get better. THANK YOU for the great laugh. I want to hear more thoughts of yours tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteLove this. Like so many others, I'm sure, I can relate! Especially on the shopping cart thing. At our old grocery store, where they were much more efficient with the grocery cart stashing than our current one, I very seriously considered writing to the store manager to ask that they always left a few carts in the parking lot for moms. But (as usual) I was too chicken.
ReplyDeleteSo you say that you're not thinking because you're too tired from getting the kids dressed... but Chipotle drive-thru?! SERIOUSLY THE GREATEST IDEA EVER.
ReplyDeleteI literally had that exact same idea about Chipotle today. I wanted it so badly but getting out of the car just seemed like too much work. And I don't even have any children to deal with. Maybe that means I should stop being so lazy...
ReplyDeleteI'm scared that I feel like this some days with my ONE toddler :) Lord help me when #2 arrives.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has this disorder where she voices her displeasure by having these passive aggressive conversations with animals instead of the person she's angry with. Her monologues go something like, "Oscar" (the dog) " did you forget to do your dishes last night? Since you don't have hands I guess I'll have to wash them" "Lily.... (another dog) .... I guess we're going to have to be all alone tonight since Heather is leaving us to go downstairs (to my apartment)" We really should get her help for that. It's constant. I'm more dramatic and appeal directly to my children with guilt. It's our love language.
ReplyDeletei'm crazy jealous of everyone's chiplotle access...i'll trade you a church's fried chicken for one haha
ReplyDeleterandom note-have you ever been to soulard's farmer's market in st louis? i saw it on the travel channel yesterday bc i'm super cool and watch the travel channel in my free time lol
Dude, the lack of carts used to make me feel borderline homicidal when Jones was a baby. I was like, "I get that you are clearing the parking lot but WHAT ABOUT THE MOMS YOU BRAINLESS IDIOTS." And then my mental sailor would go to town insulting their parentage.
ReplyDeleteHaving conversations with a 3-year-old is the MOST unproductive thing ever.
"Put shoes on, please, so we can go."
"But," sniffle, "I don't know where they aaaare!" Wail
"They are literally 3 feet from you. Turn around."
Bawling and turning in circles. "I can't seeee theeeemmmm!"
So I walk to the shoes, pick them up, and hand them to him.
I've often thought that Chipotle needs a drive thru however but there would be rules on who is allowed to use it - such as being able to recite your order in the order the burrito maker is going to make it or you aren't allowed in the line
ReplyDeleteWhy doesn't Chipotle have a drive-thru? I was wondering that myself. I would have eaten there every meal while Phil was gone. But was I going to take Henry out of his carseat and carry him inside just to then have to manage him and my food? Yeah right.
ReplyDeleteNot that you need my praise but I am completely blown away reading your post. It is an excellent reminder that the SAHM contingency have a tremendously challenging set of conditions. Unlike the traditional workforce, you don't have a collection of policies and procedures to help you "coach" under performing employees or an HR department to work with a supervisor who isn't effectively communicating their needs and expectations. There's often a team committed to ensuring the kitchen is stocked, meals are brought in and the floors are sparkling.
ReplyDeleteWhile all environments and situations have their own special sets of challenges and rewards, I'm not sure how many people could have the patience and perseverance of a Mom who works at home with her children. Parenting, Inc!
I heart the Pattons. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteChocolate chips for dinner? Set a place for me, please. I'll bring the marshmallows.
ReplyDeleteI love Sebastian's pic, he looks adorable and soooo excited with the truck! :)
ReplyDeleteLast night I send my hubby to get me some Panettone ;) just because I'm sick and my house is super cold! (We don't have central heat in this country, I think they haven't realized such a thing exists). Anyway, I say text Simon and ask for that Chipotle ;)
I saw the photo of Bash and immediately realized that you really are the best mom ever!!! I wish I lived near you then i would go to the drive-thru for you...even if that is slightly creepy! but who can resist a plea like that? I hope Simon doesn't!
ReplyDeleteChipotle drive-thru would be the stuff dreams are made of.
ReplyDeleteMe going through a drive thru: Every place should have a drive thru - just for moms though. I hate all of you who are in the drive thru by your lonesome. GO IN THE BUILDING and leave the drive thru for me - the lady with the screaming things.
ReplyDeletethat conversation about the diving room happens to me all the time. and i'm ashamed to admit that my initial reaction is to slap the child who is deliberating mishearing me. i'm proud to admit i have not slapped any of my children. WHY MUST THEY TORMENT US SO???
ReplyDelete