Camp Patton: Simon Says

10 December 2013

While holding up an admittedly not adorable dress I thrifted for her recently ...
Julia: What dress is this?
Simon: That's the dress you wear when you don't want to make any friends

Noting my good mood and the new living room color the morning he came home from call Simon said, "ah - I see you painted the walls with Prozac."

After he retired into just shirt and boxers to lounge around the house after dinner and before I could say anything Simon said, "Don't give me that look. These are a man's yoga pants."

After I made acorn squash soup for dinner I found that someone had Googled, "acorn squash soup - edible?"

When I reported that Julia had dropped a really bad word bomb at the park, Simon said, "well it is called the mother tongue for a reason."

In the middle of yet another Julia-Sebastian-fight-from-yell-hell, Simon said, "I guarantee cats and dogs say, 'they fight like Julias and Sebastians!!' "

After a picture frame fell down in the middle of a night that Simon was at work and I was sure an intruder was finally going to kill me (until I got brave enough to go find said fallen frame), Simon said, "well your only hope for sleep now involves massive quantities of vodka and Ambien."

When he discovered that I'd purchased pumpkin seed tortilla chips instead of just ye old boring tortilla chips Simon (loudly) said, "expletive expletive EXPLETIVE expletive. More expletives. And a few more expletives."

(oops)

After asking him a question that he didn't know the answer to he very seriously responded, "can't you just ask Tweeter?"

When Julia caught him eating some chocolate ...
Julia: what are you eating?
Simon: poop

33 comments:

LieslDecember 10, 2013 at 5:34 PM
The chocolate/poop one is my favorite. I may or may not lie about the deliciousness I am eating whenever I don't want to share with any children in the vicinity as well...
HeatherDecember 10, 2013 at 5:34 PM
Two things: I did an actual fist pump when I saw it was a Simon Says post. I got aggravated that the dog wanted to go out right in the middle of the post. Thank you, Dr. Patton for your sarcasm! And thank you Mrs. Dr. Patton for sharing it with the world!
Kayla @ Petersons On The GoDecember 10, 2013 at 5:35 PM
Simon's reaction to the pumpkin seed tortilla chips closely resembled my husband's reaction to the organic milk I bought...
UnknownDecember 10, 2013 at 5:36 PM
always, always great. Poop is my future excuse when Lukas gets big enough to want a bite of my chocolate. Greatness!
KrisDecember 10, 2013 at 5:56 PM
The yoga pants!!! My husband would totally agree with that statement. And I LOVE those pumpkin seed tortilla chips!
KelseyBDecember 10, 2013 at 6:01 PM
The poop excuse is a favorite of my husbands, and my three year old loved it around halloween time when they passed out candy at preschool and Ace said "oh yay poop". Great great and more great! Oh and the yoga pants comment, priceless!!! Is he this funny with patients? Please say yes!
Anne B. December 10, 2013 at 6:20 PM
I just love it when Simon is home long enough for there to be a Simon says. I bet you do too!
KateDecember 10, 2013 at 6:21 PM
It's been too long! Whenever I read a Simon Says post I think back to one of the earliest ones where he asked if he looked like Kim Kardashian. That post sealed my addiction to your blog.
Sydney McFearlessDecember 10, 2013 at 6:21 PM
YESSSSS!!!I love Simon Says! I always L O L.
sarahDecember 10, 2013 at 6:40 PM
poop. too funny. I hope j wouldn't actually believe him like my boy would, and then he probably would eat real poop thinking it was for sure ok.
PamDecember 10, 2013 at 6:55 PM
LOL! I'm having a hard time deciding which I like more, Julia's or Simon's... You know, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" so... ;)
AnonymousDecember 10, 2013 at 7:44 PM
Hahahaha, I was seriously laughing out loud during this. Your husband cracks me up!
HillaryDecember 10, 2013 at 7:45 PM
I straight up guffawed for 3-5 minutes following the man's yoga pants comment. And that was post a 38 week OB exam, so…thank you, Simon Patton.
ErikaDecember 10, 2013 at 7:47 PM
I'm reading this In the airport right now and people are giving me weird looks because I can't stop laughing.
HeidiDecember 10, 2013 at 7:58 PM
You guys sound like our kind of fun. How are those pumpkin tortilla chips? I saw them at Costco the other day and couldn't decide. Good of you to fess up to the language at the park. Our daughter said, "Oh SHIT light, turn GREEN." The baby was screaming so... yeah. That's what I was thinking. I couldn't bring myself to tell Philip. Until now. I just told him. But I told him Julia repeats things Grace says too, so thanks for that :)
Katrina RoseDecember 10, 2013 at 8:38 PM
That would be Chris' exact reaction to pumpkin seed tortilla chips.
Trisha Niermeyer PotterDecember 10, 2013 at 8:51 PM
I immediately thought of you this week as I was jotting down some of my husband's quotes to put together a Stuff My Husband Says post. Thanks for continuing inspiration!
AlissaDecember 10, 2013 at 10:05 PM
Oh my gosh I am studying for finals and I totally needed to read this. Omg so funny!
Martha ReillyDecember 10, 2013 at 10:25 PM
The first. Definitely. My favorite.
BrandyDecember 10, 2013 at 10:29 PM
Please do another interview!!
Emily ElizabethDecember 10, 2013 at 11:11 PM
hahha Simon is hilarious! I love these posts! :) What a Dad!
UnknownDecember 11, 2013 at 8:00 AM
Oh how I have missed these posts. They always make my day. The "man yoga pants" could not be more true. LOL! so funny. Thanks for sharing your hubby's wit with us once more.
AnonymousDecember 11, 2013 at 9:18 AM
Yes! He's back!
Daisy SwanDecember 11, 2013 at 10:09 AM
Brilliant. This has cheered me up! Simon is so funny.
Amy @ Consecrated HousewifeDecember 11, 2013 at 10:36 AM
Love Simon Says posts! The poop comment had me LOL, my husband & I are always trying to sneak chocolate so we don't have to share with the kids.
AnonymousDecember 11, 2013 at 11:41 AM
OMG I love him. He is so hilarious!
Jay TDecember 11, 2013 at 2:36 PM
"Can't you just ask Tweeter?" HAHAHA. He should feel honored that you chose to ask him before the social networks. There IS a hierarchy and if he's still at the top he clearly doesn't know how good he has it.
TessDecember 11, 2013 at 4:53 PM
It's been way too long since one of these! My husband saw this as a post on Facebook and actually came over to Camp Patton to read it, and then read it out loud to me—marking the first time in his entire life he's ever 1) voluntarily clicked on a mommy blog and 2) deemed any blog post worthy of being read aloud. That pretty much tells you everything!
BridgetDecember 11, 2013 at 9:18 PM
Simon, you are goooood.
Jenna@CallHerHappyDecember 12, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Sometimes I show these to Mike and he gets jealous that Simon is so funny. I think he is an unspoken competition.
LisaDecember 12, 2013 at 11:23 PM
Best posts ever.
LaurenDecember 13, 2013 at 1:51 PM
So great. Love your blog! I will be using the poop trick in the future ;)