anatomy of a roadtrip with children

Way back when I was little (probably around 8 .... so a zillion years ago ) one of my friend's moms would always say, "and we're off!! ... like a herd of turtles!!" whenever we would get in their van to go anywhere with her kids (plus a Grace) and in the naivety of my younger years I always thought that was funny but a little bit of a dramatic exagerration.

Now I know.

Oh, I know.

She was actually just being wildly optimistic because CHILDREN.
Adorable cherubic childrenz.

We drove to Wichita to see Simon's family yesterday. The trip is about ~7 hours long (we've stretched it to 8 .... no thanks to a baby Julia and a seriously ill-equipped Toys-R-Us bathroom in Columbia, Missouri ... and a legendary diaper but I'll spare you that fun memory) and I thought we could get on the road by 7am so that the we could still salvage the kids naps because our kids don't sleep in the car which is some insanely unjust punishment for something terrible I did in a past life ... I know it.

So .. I thought 7am was realistic.

I thought.

Grace: Sebastian, please don't walk in the snow when you go outside.
Sebastian: (solemnly nods) okay.

We still can't decide if he's just really willful or maybe just not our brightest Crayola.

But we eventually set sail ...

what?
toddler bladders are small.
and pregnant bladders are smaller.

We got inside the fine dining establishment and Julia immediately put her pointer finger to her mouth and thoughtfully mused, "hmm I sink I'm hungwy."

And she got the DEE-NY. Meanest parents in the universe. Plus Super Mom packed two generous ziplocks of Cheez-Its .... the healthier alternative to Mickey Dzzz.

And after a rousing performance of silent but deadly death glares to the toddler set from the parental set along with some White Noise set to SUPER HIGH VOLUME on the sound machine app ....

So if you happened to be Kansas bound on the interstate yesterday and saw a whale of a preg doing the Tootsie Roll in the passenger seat of a white Odyssey ... I'm sorry. Parental wins that warrant serious victory dances come but once a year up in here. Up in here.

just adoring his dancing wife. And taking a break from singing. Darn.

(just kidding, Sime. you know I love when you furrow that brow and belt out your best vibrato)

and then finally the blessed LUNCH BREAK at 12:30pm.

"okay ... twenty minutes in and out TOPS .... " - Simon

... but I think he forgot to factor in
+ the diaper changing times (he draws the line at changing Bash's diaper in the booth ... )
+ the time it would take his wife to choke down a burger that he ordered WITH MAYONNAISE (the devil's actual food)
+ the fact that our kids inherited their mom's penchant for staring instead of being efficient with their time and eating BECAUSE unfortunately Theo spotted his first genuine rat tail on a human head of hair ...

so we had to take his salted carbs to go to munch in the car while he processed what he'd done saw.

and back in the saddle again. After only double our alotted eating time ...

And the kids magically watched multiple loops of Madeline much to Julia's delight until ...... she announced she "riddy riddy" had to go to the rastroom.

"can you hold it for a little tiny bit?"

"no."

And we were on a toll road with not a prospect in sight and Simon tried tossing back a giant Wendy's cup which I tossed right back with an unamused stare.

So .... he made it happen like the good dad that he is ....

RUN.

And she came out smelling like an ash tray because I do not know where on the frontier we were but at least her jegs stayed dry.

And eventually ..... eventually ....

We made it to Wichita. Which is what Julia calls Grandma's house .... because the concept of entire towns is very confusing which is why our house and only our house encompasses all of St. Louis.

The kids are in heaven because Julia gets to sleep in the top of the "junk bed" (in America we call them bunk beds but ... to each their own) and is really anxious to meet Aunt Elizabeth's "friendboy Fwancis" for the first time tonight and Sebastian is smitten with these crazy things by the name of Legos and has gotten very good at joining forces with Mom to smuggle a gross amount of Grandma's pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

And braveheart Theo is especially jolly as he had his first encounter with truly the most docile and elderly canine over at Great Grandpa's digs this morning ....

Indeed.


I don't have plans to blog the return trip because it will be a carbon copy of this but with a dirtier car and even uglier baditudes but you know I can't ever help a little live-gramming. Run and hide, my little loveboats, run and hide.