houseguests extraordinaire

Not to be confused with "housepests extraordinaire" which is what we've got going on in our kitchen at the moment. I'm hoping it's just a housepest {singular} because if there is more than one mouse frolicking behind the oven at all hours of the night ... well, I'll do nothing but I won't like it. I've named the one I do see on the regular Keller (as in Helen) because s/he (gender not determined, fortunately) does NOT give a diaper bomb if there are humans large or small present when s/he runs out and about on the open (oven) range or kitchen floor or even sometimes Patton feet. Shiver. I hate mice but at this point, I'm almost not fazed, "would like you like a lick of peanut butter, Keller? Theo left 8/9ths of a sandwich on the floor over there if you're hungry." As soon as Simon has a second off of work ... he'll get on the nighttime inhumane trap situation, don't worry ... worriers.

A tangent before the post has even begun. They don't call me Wild Patton for nothing.

And now ... the main course.

Really.

If on the VERY off chance you've ever thought to yourself, "I bet those Pattons would make fun friends!" ... please know that you are so very wrong.

The wrongest. You couldn't be more wrong. We lame.

Over Thanksgiving we made the drive over to Wichita to see Simon's family where his sister, Mary and brother-in-law Andrew graciously (too graciously, they would soon find out!!) let us stay at their house. They have a wonderful dog named Chevy that Sebastian adores and has grand plans to petnap one of these trips. I'm 110% certain that if we gave him the choice, "you can either have Chevy or Mom in your life ... " he would absolutely choose the non-human over the human that carried him in her person for nine short months. Make that 120%.

A few days before we depart for family trips - the great laundry catch-up of the century has to go down and then the traditional "Grace voices her concern and slight trepidation and mild anxiety at the thought of packing the family up for a trip" to which Simon does his old half laugh slash half eye roll because ... how hard can it be?! Well, considering that we travel with four sound machines and an extra pair of pants per day per child in case of worst case scenario (which will happen!) I haven't quite mastered the art of "packing easy breezy light AND easy!!" and I probably never will ... it's semi-difficult. But we are always happy to do it and know that everything will be unpacked and back where it belongs by Easter. So, know that when we descended on their house it was more like six pack mules plus a minivan arriving than six humans with a few overnight bags.

three of Julia's nine bags ... of trinkets. Or tiny shit.

But let's get down to the fun stuff ...

fun number one: The day before we arrived on the scene, Mary and Andrew had new basement carpet installed. You already see where this is going, right? Simon probably said 88 times on the drive over how careful we'd have to be with the kids and their tendency to make mess murals on every surface they touch and I agreed. And so ... when we arrived and joined in on a little happy hour and aperitif fun ... sitting on the freshly carpeted basement floor while we all watched the kids play ... you'll imagine my shock and horror when it was my glass of wine that Sebastian accidentally knocked out of my hand and onto the brand new floor canvas. Luckily, the carpet is beige and I only drink sweet white wine because I'll forever be 17 at heart but still ... less than one hour and in and we were on a roll.

fun number two: I'll admit that aside from Phoebe, my kids are not the easy going "will eat anything!" types. At all. Luckily, they'll go for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (no jelly for Julia!) in a pinch which is exactly what sweet Mary made up for a hungry would-not-touch-the-delicious-spread-of-appetizers Julia on the first night. Of course, Julia inspected the foreign bread and declared that she did not like "seeds" because it was a slightly different variety of the bread we buy. If you need my eyes they'll be occupied and rolled up to the heavens for many weeks to come. The funnest.

fun number three: Of course the trip wouldn't be complete without a little bodily fluid spill. I won't name names here to protect the guilty but surprise, surprise - after going to bed hours after their usual retiring hour and gleefully skipping naps ... a certain Patton child crashed hard on the couch on Friday night. Patton children do not tend to just sleep anywhere so I let said child be until we all went to bed when I discovered that the child had wet the couch. Cue panic and humiliation. We did the whole baking soda/vacuum thing but the evidence a la smell remained so we went on a fruitless hunt to find a dry cleaner that would do same day couch cushion cleanings but, nope. We left money for their trouble along with promises that kids aren't all urine and hassles. Really.

they can be biceps and triceps too.

fun number four: And finally the finale ends at 2:30 in the am when the ONE child that can always always always be counted on to sleep through the night (Sebastian) woke up in a crying panic and woke Mary and Andrew before I came to my senses even though I'm the lightest sleeper on the planet. Uncle Andrew kindly gave Sebastian some water in a glass to try to calm him down and Sebastian thanked him by dropping and breaking the glass all over the kitchen floor. So by the time I woke up I found them out with the vacuum searching for any last shards of sharp with a still-crying Sebastian. Vigilant Parents Be Us.

Sending the kids off on a very cold walk with our selfless hosts while we enjoyed the warmth and quiet of the indoors. Yes, I only packed a blazer for Sebastian because the forecast SAID sixty degrees. It lied. Hard.

And honorable mentions go to feeding Chevy forty four times the recommended amount of human food that dogs should eat in a day ... every day we were there. Our clothes/shoes slowly but very surely taking over and clogging the hallway into a massive tripping hazard. And playing ten too many rounds of pull Chevy's nub of a tail before he runs and hides from Theo, forever and ever. Amen.

I selfishly wrote this post because I'm hoping someone can top it. "There, there Grace, my daughter burned my aunt's house down the ground!!" or maybe, "oh, my little rascal actually killed my brother's brand new puppy!!" ... you know, something along those lines would be a nice balm for my soul that will ne'er see the likes of travel with children again.

Thanks in advance.