Felipe

San Felipe de Neri Parish in Albuquerque where Simon and I were married a little over seven years ago

{pronounced: fell-ee-pay, as opposed to: fell-eep aka the horse from Beauty and the Beast}

I keep going back and forth and back and forth AND back and forth about sharing this. I've written and promptly deleted scads of posts and I know I ramble on about a lot of things but rarely get deeply personal but am making an exception today. I might regret it but if this helps even one mom feel a little bit less alone during the dark period following a miscarriage, the vulnerability is completely worth it.

Throughout my last few pregnancies I've all but begged Simon to agree to name the baby (if it's a boy) Felipe. I just love the name and the tie to the beginning of our marriage. But, he's held firm, "Felipe Patton?! A blonde Felipe?!" and I GUESS he's had a point. Until now.

I recently miscarried Patton baby #6, whom we named Felipe and while we know that as parents our primary goal is to get our children to heaven and that's exactly where the baby is -- it's still been unpredictably difficult for me. The night we spent in the hospital after finding out that we would not be welcoming a new baby in early February like we had so joyfully anticipated was emotionally and physically painful but not the dramatic tear fest that I might've imagined. I'm not sure if my grief was buried under deep layers of denial or my emotional response was just delayed but the sadness settled in the weeks following the miscarriage.

I'm definitely coming out of the fog but there are still grief triggers that take me by surprise that I'm learning to cope with and know that the grieving process can be a long one. I'm oddly thankful for the sadness because while I always sympathized with moms that had lost babies - I can now empathize so much better and keep them close in my daily prayers. I hate that it took a miscarriage of my own to do so but I'm grateful for that silver lining.

I've found comfort in reading more about St. Philip and his big heart (an autopsy found two broken ribs after his death - attributed to the physical expansion of his heart) and want to plaster his quotes all over our house because he seemed so encouraging and joyful. One of my favorites: "a cheerful heart is more easily made perfect than a downcast one."

I hope I don't come off as selfish for being so sad about losing a 6th baby when we have five very healthy kids here on earth. Simon and I are so grateful for our children and we love them so much and couldn't wait to learn all about this next little one's fun and undoubtedly feisty personality. We've seen firsthand that little babies grow into wild, crazy, and wonderful kids but that wasn't God's will this time around and while difficult, we have accepted that reality.

I'll close with another favorite Felipe quote that I've found myself repeating over and over to myself on especially trying days, "Let me get through today, and I shall not fear tomorrow."

Thank you for reading and always being so kind to me and my family!

San Felipe de Neri, pray for us (and say hi to our sweet little baby in heaven!)